Books
10 Books We Hope Get The ’50 Shades’ Treatment
2:30 pm, December 31st | by Colette McIntyre
Following the success of 50 Shades of Grey, adult fiction publishers Clandestine Classics are inserting (pun intended) erotic scenes into literary classics such as Jane Erye, Pride and Prejudice, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (!!!). The founder of Total-E-Bound publishing, which began releasing the R-rated titles in July, said that the goal is to “enhance” the original novels, be it by adding “bondage sessions” to Wuthering Heights or making Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson’s relationships a bit more…fraught.
On their website, Clandestine Classics shares what you can expect from their tantalizing takes on Austen and others:
The old-fashioned pleasantries and timidity have all been stripped away, quite literally. You didn’t really think that these much-loved characters only held hands and pecked cheeks, did you? Come with us as we embark on a breathtaking experience — behind the closed bedroom doors of our favorite, most-beloved British characters. Learn what Sherlock really thought of Watson, what Mr. Darcy really wanted to do to Miss Elizabeth Bennet, and unveil the sexy escapades of Mr. Rochester and Jane Eyre. We’ll show you the scenes that you always wanted to see but were never allowed.
I have a lot of feelings about this.
1. I’m not sure that I want to read about Holmes and Watson making the beast with two backs.
2. This whole project just sounds like bad fanfiction run amok.
3. What I find most offensive about Clandestine Classics are the book covers. (I know your fourteen-year-old daughter just took a class in Photoshop but you didn’t have to hire her as a designer!) With all the said, I know that there is a market for classic erotica; hell, I once made myself a Sim boyfriend who looked a lot like Colin Firth’s Mr. Darcy just because I could. If I can’t stop Clandestine Classics from happening, I may as well make some requests. Here are a few classics I’m hoping the company decides to make 50 shades sexier:
Moby-Dick.
“Call me, Daddy.”
Frankenstein
Young Frankenstein simply wasn’t enough.
The Odyssey
In this version, Odysseus and his sailors are just a couple of dude-bros sailing around the world, hooking up with hot goddesses, tripping on lotuses, and getting into brawls with their haters. Also, you don’t want to know how the Cyclops Polyphemus gets blinded…
Ulysses
While on the subject of Homer’s epic poem, why not make James Joyce’s mock epic a little sexier? While Ulysses does include a masturbation scene and was once banned for being obscene, in modern-times the text fails to raise an eyebrow. I’m sure Clandestine Classics can think of a different way of getting Molly Bloom to say “yes I said yes I will Yes.”
St. Augustine’s Confessions
St. Augustine could’ve spent a little less time writing about that stolen pear and a little more time delving into those sexual adventures of his youth. At one point in his Confessions, Augustine says that he was a slave to his sexual impulses. Ooh la la; Christian Grey, who?
Catcher in the Rye
What is Catcher in the Rye if not the precursor to American Pye?
Little Women
Personally, I like to think of myself as a Meg in the streets and a Jo in the sheets.
The Great Gatsby
Fitzgerald never did explain to us why Gatsby was so great. If Holmes/Watson is going to be thing, Gatsby/Nick should go down too.
Of Human Bondage
Most unfortunately, W. Somersat Maugham was not talking about that kind of bondage. But he should’ve been.
The Pilgrim’s Progress
At this point, why not?
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