10 Ways for the Pope to Enjoy (F)Unemployment

So This Just Happened

10 Ways for the Pope to Enjoy (F)Unemployment

12:45 pm, February 11th | by Colette McIntyre

News of Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation astounded the world this morning. The 85-year-old pope announced his plans to resign on February 28th, citing his age and deteriorating health. Benedict will be the first pontiff since the Middle Ages to relinquish the position. While Benedict said he plans on continuing to serve the church “through a life dedicated to prayer,” we here at The Jane Dough think he is selling his future unemployment a tad short. Netflix, nail blogs, papier-mâché sculptures of your cat — there are so many ways to turn unemployment into funemployment! Below are ten ways for the artist formerly known as Benedict to enjoy his free time. Joseph Ratzinger, you just got hired — by the Department of Good Times, Finding Oneself and Existential Crises Fueled by Tequila!

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1.1. Start a food blog

J-Rat, you live in Italy, for God's sake. If you're not spending at least two hours a day taking Instagram shots of pasta plates and captioning them with "f00d p0rn #carbs #sauce #eats #ingestion #nutrition #omnivores #emotionaleating," then you, sir, aren't living.

2.2. Go to Burning Man.

When not at Burning Man, spend the rest of your time preparing for Burning Man. Tell everyone about how Burning Man changed your perspective. Start producing ichthys out of neon lighting that trade really well.

3.3. Drown your sorrows in music.

Listen to Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreaks on repeat; post lyrics such as "I'm not lovin' you the way I wanted to" as your Facebook statuses but quickly delete them when they don't garner any "likes."

4.4. Focus on self-improvement

When I was a sophomore in high school, the senior who was voted "Rebel Without a Cause" in the yearbook was arrested for assaulting a police officer. (Resultantly, that was the last time "Rebel Without a Cause" was offered as one of the superlatives.) Do what he told everyone he was going to do in jail: "Lift mad weights and read mad books."

5.5. Adjust plans for self-improvement

If your pledge to intellectually better yourself, i.e. read mad books, isn't going as planned and Crime and Punishment is sitting, unfinished, on your toilet, read the featured articles on Wikipedia. Today's: Interstate 80 Business. Fascinating!

6.6. Eat, pray AND love.

Step out of your comfort zone and embark on a journey around the world in pursuit of white male self-discovery, cherry-picking from various cultures and traditions (don't you just LOVE culture?!) along the way. Find a Javier Bardem to call your own.

7.7. Never wear pants.

Burn all of your pants in a massive pants pile and pretend that said pants are the physical manifestations of your self-loathing and years of doing what was expected of you as opposed to what you really wanted to do but now you finally have the time to figure out what it is you want so just get off of your case, MOM. Eat cereal pantsless, watch online episodes of Undressed pantsless, and forget about the existence of time…pantsless.

8.8. Look for a gig on the side.

Spend hours reformatting your resume for serving jobs that you found on Craigslist. Debate the merits of Garamond, get frustrated with text boxes, and retire to your couch without having sent out said resume.

9.9. Audition for The Real World

You would be the perfect fit for "The Sheltered Virgin Who Will (Inadvertantly?) Say Something Racist/Ignorant Sparking a Near-Riot in the House But Resulting in a Lesson Learned and Lots of 'Growth'" type.

10.10. Pull a Tootsie

Disguise yourself in drag and try to re-enter the priesthood as Josephine Zatringer. Oh wait, you reaffirmed the ban on women priests, LOL. Looks like you and my screenplay Big Momma's Church are out of luck!