2012′s Most Unnecessary Products ‘For Her’
4:45 pm, December 28th | by
Ladies, I believe we have a spy in our ranks. It is time to go full on Tinker Tailor. We must protect this house!
What makes me think that there are some womyn snitches who deserve to get stitches? Well, how else do you explain the recent outpouring of “For Her” products on the market, products that reach us at our most essential, female cores? Now marketers and advertisers know our darkest secrets: we physically can’t turn away from anything that is shiny, glittery, or diamond-encrusted; we want everything we use and touch — remotes, thumbtacks, the plastic part that covers the ends of our shoelaces that we know has a name but our feeble ladybrains can’t seem to remember it — to reflect our gender; we worship at the altar of pink, mouthing the words from our prophet, P!nk. That all has to be true, otherwise why would companies such as Honda and Cadbury decide to design products for women that do not satisfy any specifically gendered need but instead boast a lot of Lisa Frank-inspired detailing?
We’ve put together a list of 2012′s most arbitrary and condescending lady-products (
some of which we’ve shaken our heads at before). For optimal user experience, we suggest having Josh Groban read this to you off of a ladyflower-shaped computer screen while you inhale subtle notes of lavender, lilac, and household cleaner. Because you’re a woman.
1.6. Vaping Vamp E-Cigarette
You would think that
a company founded by a woman that donates to a non-profit that helps women would be less likely to commit the same egregious, condescending, "Hey, let's make this more fabulous, you know, for the ladies" marketing error that companies have been committing since the first pink blanket was wrapped around the first baby girl. You would think that — but you would be wrong.
Vaping Vamp is the "best electronic cigarette brand for women" meaning that it comes in a variety of "kissable fruit flavors", has a name that sounds like a Courtney Stodden tweet, and is packaged like a top-shelf vibrator. I'm all for helping women quit smoking but I don't think we have to make them look like 18th century brothel owners for them to successfully kick the habit.
2.5. Bombshell Jerky
If there is one thing you should know about women, it is that we are very delicate. Our nerves are constantly on the verge of frying, our constitutions are so fragile that a man loosening his tie in the next city makes us faint, and our muscles are merely whispers trapped beneath our skin. Such weakness usually precludes us from eating anything other than probiotic yogurt cups and shredded dandelion leaves, but this year
Bombshell Jerky came into our lives. Producing "the best beef jerky for women", Bombshell Jerky helped me to chew for the first time in seven years. It was everything I thought it would be and more! Unfortunately, my husband doesn't let me chew anymore because he's worried about my figure.
3.4. Fujitsu Floral Kiss Computer
The first time my parents got me a laptop, I burst into tears; the thing kept making "beep boop" noises at me and it wasn't pink. I was all, "OMG! What am I? A dude?!" Clearly, my laptop wasn't designed for a woman — it was entirely too bulky and heavy!
If only my parents had heard of the
Floral Kiss by Fujitsu. As the name (reminiscent of a feminine hygiene product) suggests, the Floral Kiss is a computer with "stylish features designed specially for women" including a Caps Lock key bedazzled with a diamond-cut stone and an easy open "flip latch" to protect a woman's manicure. The computer also comes standard with software programs like "Scrapbook", "Diary", and daily horoscopes because every woman wishes that instead of a computer she owned a Talkback Dear Diary.
4.3. Cadbury Crispello
In case infantilizing women and reducing them to paisley-prints and pinkish hues wasn't infuriating enough, companies also love reminding us that it is part of our biological mandate to be concerned about our weight. Evidently the only things that make
Cadbury's Crispello a "chocolate bar for women" are that it comes in purple packaging and is divided into three pieces packaged in a resealable wrapper. A Cadbury spokesman said that the portioning of the chocolate bar would appeal to women since they "can consume a little at a time rather than in one go", i.e., you can and should pace yourself, you glutton, because swimsuit season is always approaching, inevitable like death and taxes.
5.2. Honda She's
For the record, I have nothing against pink. In fact, I own a pink dress that is so pink that one of my friends has referred to it as "a lot of look." The problem isn't that women like and buy pretty things or that products are marketed to women; the problem is that companies think the key to making products appeal to women is manufacturing them into different shades of pink and treating women like helpless babies.
Take the new
Honda She's, a model of the Fit, specifically aimed at female drivers. I think making a car more female-friendly is a great idea! I would love to be able to put a seatbelt on and not feel like my breasts are being held down by a clamp. But the Honda She's is female-friendly in a different, dare I say, dumber way — the car comes with various pink features, like a pink dashboard and pink seat stitching, a "plasma cluster" air conditioning feature that helps prevent dry skin, and a windshield that blocks more UV rays in order to decrease wrinkles. I'm just wondering how Honda expects me to drive, because there are no roads in my kitchen.
6.1. Bic For Her
One morning Bic, ever the progressive, feminist company, recognized that women don't want to use traditional writing implements, the kinds used by their fathers/husbands/bosses to jot down mathematical equations or scientific hypotheses. Women want something more sassy and fierce, something they can use to doodle hearts and flowers or write notes to their besties about why Mario hasn't called yet and when she thinks he will. And thus,
Bic for Her was born.
Nothing can be said that hasn't already been written in a
hilarious and snarky Amazon review for the pen. I only have one question: when is Bic for Him being released? I think our fathers/husbands/bosses deserve a pen that growls like a bobcat when you open it, punches you every time you try to use it, and has a cap that doubles as a spittoon. Actually, on second thought, I think I deserve that. Loved ones, take note for Christmas 2013.