An Open Letter to Snoop Lion and Miley Cyrus
5:15 pm, April 10th | by Kristie Rohwedder
Thank you for “Ashtrays & Heartbreaks”. I am never prepared for the transition from winterspring to summerspring in Los Angeles, but your song has softened the blow. I will blast this song at full volume while I pack up my beloved sweaters and jackets, and I
will not cry. I will not mourn the loss of winter. I will not curse the upcoming 95+ degree summer in my air conditioning-less apartment. I will embrace the summer with open arms for the ﬁrst time in my life and I owe it to you both. I might even try for a tan. I’ll get that vitamin D going and my mom will beam with pride. I’ll wear shorts. I feel really nervous about wearing shorts, but this song is worth it. I’ll skateboard down the Manhattan Beach boardwalk. Oh, I will BUY a skateboard. I foresee a dramatic spike in skateboard sales this summer, and I will be disappointed in Tony Hawk & Co. if they donʼt recognize the underlying reason for it and send you both thank you notes. Your song is so inspirational.
When I heard about your collaboration for the ﬁrst time, I had zero doubts. Zero doubts. There are few artists I cherish more than Snoop Lion (nèe Snoop Dogg) and Miley Cyrus. The combination is something we all needed, and didnʼt realize we needed it until it happened. I think the song was written to describe my feelings about the song, you know? Snoop, when you croon
You never miss what you have until itʼs gone/ When itʼs right, something always will go wrong
I canʼt but help but feel that you are reminding us that this song will be around for a limited time only. Because the song is so Right. It is so, so very Right. And I cannot bear the thought of the Something Wrong happening. The Something Wrong being THIS PERFECT SONG CEASING TO BE PIPED INTO MY BOBBING HEAD.
I canʼt imagine anyone saying anything negative about this song because it is possibly the most infectious jam Iʼve ever been privileged to experience. This song is a privilege, not a right, and everyone should treat it as such. It’s the beat, and the way it sounds like it’s playing underwater, except the listener has perfect hearing underwater. This song gives me whale echolocation. I can feel the sounds.
No one can take Snoopʼs singing for granted. Snoop, youʼre unreal. You embody Southern California in a way so many others try to replicate. Your voice teleports me to a beautiful, beachy dreamscape. No one should take Mileyʼs gorgeous wailing for granted, either. Criminy, I love you, Miley Cyrus. Also, the two of you singing the chorus together is just…I can only equate it to the ﬁrst time I tried pumpkin pie cheesecake. This song transcends all pie/cake unions. To quote
my favorite song once again: Is there any possibility that everyone feels like me? And the answer is: yes. If there exists a sociopath who doesnʼt physically require this song pumped into their ears 25 times in a row to get their morning started (sorry, downstairs neighbors!), get thee to a sanatarium!
I canʼt talk about the bridge without weeping, so I wonʼt address it here. Sorry.
Some people wondered why Rihanna isnʼt the female vocalist on this song. I love Rihanna with a good portion of my being, and she is pop cultureʼs reigning Queen Bee of music to smoke fat blunts to. And this song is all about smoking fat blunts. And heartbreak. So why not Rihanna? Because you are a genius, Snoop. She wouldʼve been too obvious. Miley, youʼve literally and ﬁguratively shed whatever was left of your Hannah Montana identity (get it? The wig?). You’re actually the edgier choice. Congrats. I donʼt like going to the Santa Monica Pier, but I do want to go if it’s with you and we can hang out and laugh together. We could eat at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company that looks like it could fall into the ocean at any minute. Oh, I hate shrimp. Do they have other stuff? I just want to tell you that your voice sounds great on the song. A+ work, Ms. Cyrus. Snoop, had you chosen any other Disney or Nickelodeon star, it would feel inorganic. COULD YOU IMAGINE MIRANDA COSGROVE SINGING ON THIS SONG?! Whoa, Iʼm going to have maybe a million nightmares now.
My dear Brooklynite BFF just informed me she wants to rent a car and drive around NYC blasting this song. You made an East Coaster want to give the middle finger to convenient public transportation and endure terrifying city trafﬁc so she could experience the song on another level. Who knows when she last drove a car? This could be a true disaster. She needs summer weather immediately, but the current temperature in Brooklyn is only 67 degrees. I am so scared sheʼs going to put on shorts and freeze to death. Or buy a bunch of bags of sand and heat lamps and house plants and create a beach in her apartment. Your song has serious side effects. I am going to get in my car immediately and drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway until I canʼt drive anymore. Oh, and you both can bet your perfect behinds that I will be blasting this song the entire time. I owe it to my friend.
Thank you again for all you contribute to the world.