Here Are Seven Deeply Weird Black Friday Deals

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Here Are Seven Deeply Weird Black Friday Deals

4:45 pm, November 20th | by Colette McIntyre

Ah, Black Friday: the time when Americans fight against their tryptophan hangovers and drag their swollen bodies (that at this point are merely engorged stomachs with heads, legs, and nagging desires for cheap flared jeans) to the closest mall at ungodly hours just to delight in slashed prices. It almost brings a tear to one’s eye. Yet, through all of my fistfights in the Target aisles for various accouterments, I always had a nagging feeling that I was missing something. Sure, I love saving cash but I also love learning and, of course, My Man. “If only there was a way to combine all three of my favorite things,” I would pine, pressing a Monster High doll crusted with the blood of my opponents to my cheek. Well, turns out a Babeland in Seattle has heard my prayers; this Black Friday, the sex shop is offering something called “Doorbuster BJ Tips”. If you would like to take your Black Friday off the beaten path (or just the path of moral virtue and righteousness), click through to discover more strange deals.

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1.Babeland

Learn how to give the perfect BJ after saving a bunch of money at the local BJ's! (You can go from buying stocking stuffers to--okay, you get the point.) Seattle's Babeland claims that "your lover will be beating down the door after you show off the techniques you'll learn in our free mini-workshop." Free?! Take your mom and your grandma!

2.Moutainside Medical Equipment

Nothing quite compares to the satisfaction you feel after finally purchasing that "24-hour Urine Collector Container" that you've had your eye on for so long. It really is just proof of the American Dream thatn a little girl from suburban Long Island can someday have a 101-ounce leak-resistant urine container to call her own.

3.EdensFantasy

In case you didn't eat enough on Thanksgiving, this sex shop is offering up to 70% off on "edible treats for lovers". What could pair nicer with a slice of your mother's left-over pecan pie than "kissable body drizzle"? And yes, I apologize for including your mother and the phrase "kissable body drizzle" in the same sentence.

4.Dollar General

Isn't every day at the Dollar General Black Friday? How much lower can their prices get? Come on, Dollar General--have some self-respect. You're just giving it away at this point. You could totally charge more than a dollar for that jar of Ragu; you just have to believe in yourself.

5.Woodcraft

I've never heard of Woodcraft before but their tag-line is "helping you make wood work." Thanks but no thanks, Woodcraft, I've got Babeland for that.

6.Tractor Supply Co.

While receiving a five-foot by eight-foot mesh floor trailer for Christmas wasn't exactly my childhood dream, saving $200 is a deal that I just can't pass up. I'm thinking that if I tape a weave to the back-end of it and a papier-mached horse head to the front, perhaps I can convince my youngest cousin that it's a pony. Also, I love that the pullout advertises a deal on Purina pet food. Here's hoping that there are some eco-geniuses out there that created tractors that run on Dog Chow.

7.Blockbuster

"It's only $9.99 to rent three movies or games for three nights! Happy Thanksgiving! …Well, no, you can't ship the movies back to us in an envelope, you have to drop them off at your local Blockbuster. …What do you mean, 'what's a Blockbuster'? Yes, it is a movie that makes a lot of money that is oftentimes directed by James Cameron, but it is also a store where you can rent games and DVDs. You don't know what DVDs are? They…they play movies. I KNOW NETFLIX DOES TOO. Wait, where are you going? I'm sorry I yelled at you, just--just please come back. We have a Deuce Bigalow box set! Just please come back! I love you!"