Good news, brunettes: blondes may truly have more fun, but women with darker-hued hair tend to have more successful careers, according to a riduculous study from The Daily Mail.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself at work on this cold, cold Friday, we have the cure — it could always be worse. You could not have a job, for instance. Or your husband could be slowly poisoning you, leading you to write to Elle’s advice columnist for help. Yeah, that happened.

A new study by the National Advocates for Pregnant Women (NAPW) found that a particular manipulation of the Roe v. Wade ruling has been used to persecute hundreds of pregnant women. Post-Roe feticide statutes that establish distinct rights for the unborn have resulted in a “criminalization of pregnancy” — hundreds of women have been “arrested, convicted, jailed, detained in mental institutions or forced to endure medical procedures” in an effort to protect their fetuses.

Fellow curvy ladies, you may want to put all your mischievous “Criminal Minds”-inspired plans to commit murder and stuff to rest and continue to toe the line: researchers at the Yale Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity released a study that found male jury members were more likely to be biased against an obese female defendant. It’s things like this that make me wish that every court was Judge Judy’s court.

Someone is a sore loser. Businessman Chris Burch, ex-husband of fashion mogul Tory Burch and founder of C.Wonder, is not great at not saying anything at all when he doesn’t have anything nice to say. Chris slung plenty of insults when he was suing his ex-wife for not letting him sell his shares in the company while she simultaneously sued him for ripping off her designs, and even though they settled on New Year’s Day he’s still determined to get his licks in.

On Monday, a Texas district judge refused to grant Planned Parenthood’s request for a temporary restraining order that would have prevented the state from excluding the clinics from the new Texas Women’s Health Program.

Surprise! This has happened more than once.

Anonymous has released a video implicating several Steubenville High School students in the rape of a sixteen-year-old girl who fell unconscious during a night of hard partying.

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, if we’ve told you once, we’ve told you a thousand times: we get that you are “busy” now with your secretarial pools and lunches and voting but that doesn’t mean that you can just let the house go.