In the words of Matthew McConaughey’s character, “Can you touch this? No no no no no no no…”

Because you should never underestimate the value of being able to squeeze a large vehicle into a tiny space.

Here goes nothing.

If I’ve learned anything from residing in two haunted houses, it’s that ghosts become more annoying than creepy after a while. Needy ones try to get your attention when all you want to do is sleep, and if you’re offbeat singer Ke$ha, they will seduce you (glad that never happened to me, I’d probably die). And because it’s a weird experience and she’s a chart topping artist, she can profit from and advance her career with the undoubtedly bizarre encounter, which we’ll hear about when her new album, “Warrior” hits the market in December.

I’m all for creative and even funny breast cancer awareness commercials, but a new one starring “Bridesmaids” heartthrob Chris O’Dowd leaves me really confused and uncomfortable.

Sometimes, you’re better off working out alone.

“‘My daughter plays on my pole at home all the time, I’d love her to actually learn how to do things property and not hurt herself,’” said no one ever.

Unfortunately, that’s a lie.

Remember those awful abstinence-only sex ed classes you were required to sit through in ninth grade? Looks like the hell sessions are returning in a new (but not improved) form and coming to a bar near you.

I celebrated Labor Day Weekend in Vegas, so I understand why it may come as a shock to you that my (nerdy) friends and I spent the whole trip coming up with nicknames for “Harry Potter” villain Lord Voldemort (Voldz is golden). He’s a good topic of discussion, but likening anyone to the fictional bad guy is almost as bad as making Hitler comparisons. Nevertheless, DNC executive director Patrick Gaspard drew parallels between former Alaska governor Sarah Palin and Harry Potter’s evil rival at a Monday youth event.

I don’t care what anyone says: Shia Labeouf is terrific. He may get into bar fights and unnecessarily drag out his feud with Frankie Muniz, but the Los Angeles actor takes his work seriously. A lot of people were stunned when the celebrity announced he will have actual onscreen intercourse for Lars von Trier’s “Nymphomaniac,” but perhaps more surprising is how he snagged a part in the film to begin with. The 26-year-old says he made a sex tape with his significant other and mailed it to the director in hopes of being cast.