A new online survey by InvestingNerd found that financial illiteracy is alarmingly rampant in the US: most Americans do not understand key concepts in investing like brokerage accounts, stock trading, and 401(k) fees. (Now’s not the time to admit that I don’t understand how savings accounts work, right…?)

Before this dissolves into the same type of fight I had with an engaged classmate in a gender studies course (I used the word “capitalism” a lot…it was a long tirade), let me first say this: I understand a wedding’s appeal.

Last year, the World Bank had conversations about gender equality with more than 4000 women, men, and children in twenty countries. These conversations suggested that social norms on gender and gender roles are remarkably similar across all sampled countries, cultures, and communities.

…But no one knows that your theme of choice is “parents surprising their children with trips to Disney World.” Don’t worry; that secret is safe with me.

You already knew that your student loans were ruining your plans to own and operate your own rooftop apiary but new research suggests that your excessive debt may also be the reason why you can’t get someone to put a ring on it. Stopping “Jessica Alba’s Honey*” before it started was one thing, student loans, but messing with my love life? That’s a new low.

You know how you are always dragging yourself to the gym after work (or, uh, thinking about dragging yourself to the gym)? Well take a break, because it turns out that a four-day-a-week fitness plan burns more calories per session than a six-day program. Now you can just go home and watch TV (or stay at work and order food)!

Good news: your female employees are not spending all day poking around on Facebook. Bad news: They are using the work hours to plan their weddings.

Imagine this: you’re a man out to buy a Valentine’s Day gift for the special lady in your life. You brought along your friend The Daily Mail to help you select the perfect present but things went a little awry — the Mail kept telling you that all your girlfriend really wanted was a hug or a romantic gesture, poking your chest with unreasonable force as he said it. You ditched him after he started crying in Jared the Galleria about how lonely he was, and now you are really up the Valentine’s Day creek without a chocolate-covered paddle.

Imagine this: you’re a man out to buy a Valentine’s Day gift for your girlfriend and you decided to bring along your good friend The Daily Mail for some company and advice. You and The Daily Mail have been friends for awhile now — you met while trying out for your school’s water polo team (which the Mail didn’t make since he punched the captain) and while he can be sort of a jerk sometimes, he seems to know a lot about the ladies.

At this point, it’s an common knowledge that American maternity leave (let’s not even talk about paternity leave) is sub-par in comparison to the leave offered by most developed countries. Here’s a refresher.