Nightmares From Craigslist

Craigslist Ad: “I Do Not Like The Whole ‘Independent Woman’ Mentality”

We don’t need to tell you that Craiglist is a modern day hellscape of underwhelming wanted ads and sexual propositions. But sometimes there are offers so horrifying they can’t be ignored. For our inaugural Nightmares From Craigslist, we bring you a personal ad from a guy who’s blazingly upfront about his sexism — but still wants a snuggle.

You know those awful dreams that are so terrifying that you awake with inexplicable relief that the whole thing wasn’t real?

That’s what I hope happens with a Craigslist ad that was brought to my attention by a former colleague. Because I do have the full name of the Portland Craigslist poster (yet another reason why the site can be a major hub for sketchballs and creepshows), I’ll just refer to him by as “Attractive, fit male searching for cuddling, affection, and romance!” For kicks, let’s stick with Attractive Fit Male. Here’s the preamble to his Craigslist ramble:

Before you read my ad I would simply like to state a fact… I am NOT an asshole. I am simply straight forward in what I want and I don’t like beating around the bush. So, when you read my ad take that into consideration.

I’m no psychologist, but I’m fairly certain it’s common knowledge that anyone who begins a sentence with “I am NOT an asshole” is, in fact, a complete asshole. But what do I know? My degree is in creative writing and French. Moving on. Said bodacious Lothario goes on to state that he’s looking for a nice girl with whom he can cuddle (ew), but given his impossibly good looks and character, he has some standards and won’t accept the embrace of just any young lady, especially if she’s capable of surviving without his help:

I am a firm believer that both men and women have ‘roles’ in this world. I think men are the ones who should work, provide for their families, and protect the woman they are with. I think women should help tend to the house, raise the children, and do other things along those lines. I do not like the whole modern day ‘independent woman’ mentality because personally I don’t want to be an ‘independent man’, I want a woman by my side and wouldn’t have it any other way. I understand the need to have a job, especially when you’re single and do not have a combined income. However, if I am dating someone I do not think they need to be working all the time or paying for things as that is my job as the man of the house…I want a women [sic] who is feminine, not a woman who wants to act and be treated like a man. A woman who wants a real man to take care of her. Face it, men and women are both different and we both have different roles. If you disagree with me on this do not bother wasting your time contacting me.

Well that pretty much eliminates the entire demographic of The Jane Dough, but I’m sure our readers aren’t broken up over the fact that Attractive Fit Male wouldn’t give them the time of day. As my dad told me when I got dumped in high school, you can and will do better.

Either way, I’m appalled, and his “fetish” requirement does nothing to save his case:

I must warn you, aside from my hopeless romantic side I also have a very kinky/naughty side…I feel that an amazing sex life is part of the foundation for a lasting relationship. I ALSO HAVE A HUGE FETISH FOR DOUBLE PENETRATION OR ‘DP’ for short. Part of DP obviously includes anal sex, as well as involving another guy. I’ve found some womans are REALLY into it, while other womans aren’t. If you aren’t into every aspect of DP, or you’re prude, boring, or vanilla in the bedroom, I promise I am not the guy for you. I realize this is very blunt and forward of me to put out there, and probably even makes me come across as an ass, but honestly, I am simply tired of getting stuck in relationships with really boring sex, that’s all. I want someone who has the same ‘fetish’ as me.

As someone who has secured an apartment with a really awesome random girl on Craigslist, it pains me that creepshows such as Attractive Fit Male use it as a platform for their perversion, douchebaggery, and of course creepiness, but at least I got a good laugh out of this posting. If this whole thing isn’t fake, however, I’m going to weep for the next girl Attractive Fit Male preys upon and pursues. No one in Oregon is safe.

Requests for comment were not returned.

[H/T David Martosko]

Photo courtesy of Nerd Gerhl

TAGS: Craigslist | creepy craigslist ads

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