Five Unnecessarily Sexy St. Patrick’s Day Costumes

So... Yea.

Five Unnecessarily Sexy St. Patrick’s Day Costumes

5:30 pm, March 15th | by Colette McIntyre

Recently, I’ve been criticized for being a bit of a feminist stick in the patriarchal mud. I’ve been called a “crazy feminist,” “a chick who is jaded and has no sense of humor,” and have been told that I “obviously have some serious man-issues” since I’m “so full of hate.” Well, that certainly jarred me from my daydream of dismantling the patriarchal dialectic and gaining dominant subject-hood! After burning a few bras and telling a group of ten-year-old boys walking past my apartment that they were oppressing me, I sat in bed with a kombucha-whiskey cocktail and thought. “I can be fun,” I reasoned. “I can get with what’s hip and sexy! I can be fun and flirty! I’ll show them!”

Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day which, with its beers the color of sewer water , drunk Sigma Delta girls wearing shamrock tattoos on their — well, they won’t tell you where the tats are [giggle] [hiccup], and Baileys-smelling bros yelling “Kiss me, I’m Irish! NO HOMO,” is inarguably the sexiest day on the Gregorian calendar. What better bandwagon to jump on to prove that I can totally chillax, pass me that Guinness, dude? To make your task of chasing the “snakes” of “Ireland” — nudge, nudge — easier than finding a guy wearing a green and white striped rugby shirt yelling about Car Bombs (which is really easy), I’ve rounded up the sexiest (read: most likely to cause a rash) St. Patty’s costumes on the web. Get ready, honorary Erins, to go bragh-less.

[Photos via HalloweenCostumes.com, Wholesale Halloween Costumes, and Fancy Dress Costumes]

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1.Sexy Lucky Irish Costume

Do you see that tiny hat? That tiny hat is the perfect companion for your drunk, wobbling head. It'll make throwing up in a Starbucks bathroom seem more jaunty and quaint; it will serve as an exclamation point to all of the grating "woos" you scream out of your moving taxi cab's window; it will add an air of competency as you stagger your way to the LIRR train to Babylon — onlookers will think "Hey, if that girl can keep a tiny hat on her head, she must be fine!"

And just think of the elegance those elbow-length gloves will bring to each dish of hot wings you eat. This outfit says "I'm a lady and I may or may not still resent the girl who got the lead in the Stagedoor production of The Music Man — it should've been me!"

2.Sexy Luscious Leprechaun Costume

There is nothing sexier than a short mythical creature that looks like a young Benjamin Button (so, an old Benjamin Button) and dresses like a pilgrim. There are a lot of Leprechaun costumes out in the world but not many claim to be "luscious." I don't know about you, but when I'm about to let a man reach the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow, I want to feel like a former Flavor of Love contestant; this outfit can make that lower-tier dream possible!

According to the vendor's website, "no matter the occasion, you'll turn heads in this sexy outfit." No matter the occasion. You'll be the star of your little brother's bar mitzvah in your "Sexy Luscious Leprechaun Costume", especially when your expose your "Want to Get Lucky" panties during the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

3.Plastic Sexy Irish Miss Vest

Does your cleavage need some protection from all the watery beer you'll be guzzling or that ill-advised late night dish of corn beef that a University of Michigan alum will serve to you from a hotplate in the backseat of his Prius? In the Venn Diagram of life, do you want to exist in the overlapping space between "sexually provocative" and "Florida airport gift store"? Do you want to be a living, breathing trompe l'oeil? Then this plastic vest featuring "a woman's torso with a low cut shirt" is for you!

4.Sexy St. Paddy's Costume

Lest you think that synching your thigh highs and midriff-revealing apparel with the season is just an American hobby: some celebratory sexiness from across the pond! England designed this charming outfit for ladies to "strut their stuff for Saint Patrick," which makes a ton of sense since England and Ireland have always been the best of friends and have never gotten into any sort of conflict ever in the history of time and space.

I appreciate that the costume comes with suspenders and a belt since it would be utterly embarrassing if those shorts fell down — modesty is the guiding principle here.

5.Light Up St. Patty's Day Noodle Headband

"I don't think this LED noodle headband is supposed to be sexy," you say. Oh, really? Why do we make things that light up? So we can see them in the dark. What happens in the dark? Sexy stuff. Or horrifying, brain-eating stuff, according to my eight-year-old cousin. It depends on who you ask, but for the sake of my argument let's just agree on "sexy stuff."

What did you say, man who was passed out on the PATH train to Hoboken but woke up to tell me that I was pretty so now you're in my bedroom? You can't find your legs? Well here, let me TURN ON MY FESTIVE GREEN, YELLOW, AND ORANGE LED HAIR FOR YOU. Ah, see? There are your legs — right there, at the end of your torso, just like I told you. Yes, it does smell like Miller Lite in here. I think that's because you're sweating it out.