F%@K, Marry, Kill: Britney Spears, Former Australian Labor Pary Leader Mark Latham, A College Student Named Thor
1:46 pm, August 16th | by Colette McIntyre
Yes, we have turned “F%@k, Marry, Kill,” the infamous slumber party thought experiment, into a conduit for rehashing the week’s biggest/weirdest news stories. You may notice that our choices are a tiny bit different from the F/M/K that you know and love, but the premise is entirely the same. Join us each week as we break down the news in the most analytical and contextual way we know how: determining which story we would, like, totally do it with.
Make Tender and Consensual Love to: Thor Lund, student at the University of Texas-Austin and the preeminent women scholar in the United States.
Oh Thor, Thor, Thor. Make no mistake — it is no coincidence that you are named after the Norse god who governs fertility. When your parents first looked upon your shriveled ballpein, then just a mess of blood and placenta, they knew that one day it would be a mighty hammer, a Mjölnir of skin that would wage battles against inexperience, oversized purses, and all of women’s “pent up issues” that they take out on you “in a number of different ways, mostly sexual.” You lived up to the prophesies when you shared the thunderous missive “What I Learned About Women“.
The 5,127-word portent could only have come from the progeny of a cognate deity; really, the blog should’ve been pulled onto the Internet by goats. O! the wisdom you bestow, like “if you can get a girl over to your place and somehow manage to have her take her clothes off, she will be truthful with you.” Aye, the ancient Naked Honesty curse that continues to plague womenkind. Much like how a vampire can only come into your house if invited or how a daemon must vacate the body they possess if named, women’s Achilles’ heel is nudity. How could I say no to such a knowledgable lover, a veritable spécialiste in snatch? How could I turn down the opportunity to have him naked and vulnerable before me, susceptible to all my teachings and, in this case, un-teachings?
Marry: Britney Spears
Earlier this week, TMZ obtained legal documents detailing Britney Spears’ spending habits and it turns out that homegirl is a bargain shopper. Brit had receipts from dollar emporiums and multiple roadside chains like McDonald’s, In-N-Out Burger, El Pollo Loco, and Romano’s Macaroni Grill. According to documents, Spears spent $6.8 million last year but raked in nearly $14 mil.
At the end of the day, you can take the girl out of McComb, Mississippi, but you can’t take the Mac & Cheese bites away from the girl. And if we were married, I would never try to. I’ve seen all five episodes of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic; I know what this side ponytail of a person likes. I would take Britney out to weekend dinners at The Olive Garden, prepare flirtinis for her and her friends, let her smoke her Parliaments in the house, and agree with her during snacks-and-movie night that yes, Julia Roberts really is the epitome of class and grace in Pretty Women, that I, too, wish I were more like her. It would be a happy marriage; sure, we would both have diabetes and emphysema in a matter of months, but what is that in the face of such bliss?
Condemn to a Lifetime of Persistent Despair, False Hope, and Halting, Self-Conscious Sex: Former Australia Labor Party leader Mark Latham
Australians are really hitting it out of the park this week. And in case you think I am complimenting them, know that they are playing at Misogyni Field, their team name is the Derping Dildos Who Will Never Be Turned Into Real Boys Because They Are Using Their Heads As Landfills, and the name of the game is sexism. After a fellow conservative party member talked about two female politicians’ “sex appeal,” — which, by the far, rightfully led to an uproar — Mark Latham announced that his colleague must have been wearing “beer goggles” and called one of the women “not that good a sort,” as if THAT WAS WHY PEOPLE WERE ANGRY. “In politics they say it is showbiz for ugly people.” said Latham.
I can’t. I simply can NOT. My body lost the ability to can.