Head Scratchers

Forbes Offers The Duhs And Don’ts Of Celebrating Valentine’s Day In The Office

“Get over here, kid; ol’ Grandpa Forbes has something he wants to say — and don’t try to tell me that you’re not a kid anymore because until you have hairs growing out of your ears like I do, you’re still a kid. What is this hokum about everyone “hooking up” with their coworkers? While I was waiting online at the Shop Rite register with my Tums and two rutabagas, I browsed the magazine stand, looking for Eastern Fly Fishing or the cable guide, and all I saw were headlines about how everyone your age was hooking up, hooking down, hooking sideways like you’re all some hot to trot Lincoln Logs! It’s ridiculous! I know it’s Valentine’s Day, and Grandma told me that you’re still single — oh come on, come on, it’s fine. Don’t yell at your poor Grandmother for telling me. It was obvious. You walk around with your face painted like some kind of Slavic matchgirl; of course you’re still looking for a man! I just wanted to give you some advice, make sure you don’t do something at work that you’ll regret. Here are the “Do’s and Don’ts” of celebrating Valentine’s Day in the office. Calm down, I won’t take up that much of your precious time. Geez louise; an old man can’t get any respect! Now where was I…?

Don’t flirt with co-workers.
You know, when I was growing up, there was only one girl who openly flirted in public: Sally Weatherby. She was the waitress at the malt shop and once I saw her wink at two different men during the same shift. Two different men. Do you know what happened to her? Guys used to throw quarters at her in the street — quarters and fruit. She died very tragically and very alone with no one to wink at one last time. What? Of course that’s a true story! Are you calling your Grandpa a liar?

Don’t get physical in the office.
This isn’t some Dutch red-light district; you shouldn’t go and give everyone a peep of something that you should be saving for your husband. You know what’ll happen if you do get physical, eh? You’ll find yourself knee deep in diseases like you’re in the trenches of Tunisia and the Krauts are breathing down your neck, mortar bombs are going off everywhere, and the rookie is trying to tell you what’s what even though you were killing Jerrys before his number was dry! …What was I saying?

Do keep your emotions in check. Don’t let them affect your work day.
I know you ladies have a lot of hormones and what have you, swimming all around those tiny brains of yours and it’s easy for you to get frazzled, but if you’re going to try to make it in a man’s world, you have to buck up! Susan B. Anthony didn’t do whatever it is Susan B. Anthony did just so you can get weepy at your desk!

Do wish your colleagues a happy Valentine’s day.
…Except that noodle boss of yours. I know, I know — you tell me not to speak poorly of him but I can’t help it! He has the body of a Gypsy woman. I’m always afraid he’s going to steal my wallet. And his pants are too tight. You know who he looks like? Sally Weatherby! How can you respect someone like that? Ok, yes; I’m done. You’re free to leave. Go check on your mother and make sure she’s not putting too much mayo in the potato salad — she always puts too much mayo. Don’t tell her I said that. Oh, and your Grandma brought some socks for you; we didn’t know if you had enough socks. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

[Photo via Shutterstock]

TAGS: forbes | Office Hook Ups | Silliness

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