Game of Thrones Feminist Leaderboard
9:45 am, April 8th | by Colette McIntyre
HBO’s Game of Thrones has something for everybody — zombies, dragons, manipulation, sex, wolves, Peter Dinklage, violence, politics, homoerotic subtext, songs by super hip indie bands, more sex — but what we love most are Westeros’ badass women: the dames of thrones fight, plot, snark, strive, and are as multifaceted and intriguing as their male counterparts. Each week, The Jane Dough will rank the GoT ladies according to how hard they ruled in last night’s episode. Start your Mondays feeling like the commander of dragons, rather than the bleary-eyed version of yourself you usually bring to work at the beginning of the week. When you play the game of feminism, you win or you…well, don’t win.
- Taking care of two young boys, one of whom can’t walk, and a massive man who can only say the word Hodor, in the middle of the wild? Yup, sounds like a typical Tuesday afternoon. 3 points.
- Osha can turn a wooden stick into a weapon with nothing more than a knife and a scowl. She’s like the world’s greatest girl scout except she’s more likely to stab you in the neck than sell you cookies. …I’d give her a badge. 4 points.
- Poor, poor Catelyn Stark. She has no idea where most of her children are, the only child whose location she does know is keeping her prisoner, and she thinks all the horror that has befallen her family is her fault because she couldn’t love her husband’s illegitimate child. Keep weaving, you fine woman; I won’t judge you. No points.
- That’s right, Brienne! You don’t have to entertain the Kingslayer; just Jamie to King’s Landing to exchange him for the zero Stark girls who will still be there! 2 points.
- Oh, girl — did you have a big crush on Renly, the gay Baratheon brother with the perfect beard? We’ve all been there, Brienne. Let’s moan about it over flirtinis and get too emotional while drunkenly singing Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” No points, just a lot of sympathy and #realtalk.
- Sure, Jamie may have been shackled during your big sword fight but you still took him down a peg. And don’t think I didn’t notice the Venus/Serena Williams realness you were serving up with those powerful grunts. 6 points.
- “Give it to Margary for her wedding gown — it should be more than enough fabric.” If I snapped any harder, I would probably break bones. 6 points.
- Seeing you get outsassed by a boy who just had a tantrum over floral material is devastating. -4 points.
- Thank god you see through Petyr “If I lived in 2013, I would watch too many Miley Cyrus YouTube videos too late at night” Baelish. 4 points.
- “Men only want one thing from a pretty girl…love is not the thing he wants.” While this sounds a lot like the speech my dad gave me right before my high school prom (right in front of my prom date, which is probably why I had to put my own damn corsage on), I can’t say that you’re wrong. 2 points.
- Wait..are you really jealous of tiny baby weenie Sansa? Is this just your foreplay? I feel very uncomfortable. -4 points.
- Why are you acting like it’s normal that Lord Baelish has been in love with your mother for approximately TOO DAMN LONG years?! -4 points.
- Oh, Sansa, look at you fangirling out in front of Ser Loras, all “remember when you gave me that rose? No? Haha, of course not…no, it’s fine, it’s not like I haven’t washed my hand since that day or fall asleep each night with the rose laid on the pillow beside me, as if it was your body HAHA.” You remind me of a fifth grade me with a Lance Bass poster. And just like me, you’re barking up the wrong dreamy tree. No points.
- I know Sansa’s lunchtime overshare with Margaery is probably going to come back and haunt her but I completely relished it. It was nice to see Sansa confide in someone and share the ill-kept secret that is Joffrey’s demonic ways. It was about time; stockholm syndrome isn’t a cute look. 6 points.
- I couldn’t even keep up with all the zingers Olenna was throwing. She made a fart joke, right? She totally made a fart joke while wearing one of The Flying Nun‘s rejected headpieces. I fell for Olenna harder than Samwell Tarly fell in the snow. She’s the Dowager of Game of Thrones. ALL THE CHEESE WHEN SHE WANTS IT. ALL THE POINTS.
Total: Too many to count.
- What’s that, Osha? A pointy thing? Meera’s got a pointy thing. You got a pointy thing. Everybody’s got a pointy thing! (Oh, except the men. HOW FUNNY.) 3 points.
- “Aren’t you shamed of your brother, needing you to protect him? “Where’s the shame in that?” INDEED! 4 points.
- “If we were going North, we should’ve come to the Red Fork river by now.” “Maybe we already passed it.” “It’s 100 feet wide. How could we have passed it?!” Keep smiling, keep shining, keep sassing. 2 points.
- For being a dangerous girl: 7 points.
- Pulling a sword on the leader of an outlaw group was dumb… -2 points.
- …but it sure was gutsy. I can’t fault a girl for having moxie! 4 points.
- Despite receiving the deadly Cersei side-eye for her Kim-Kardashian-at-an-after-prom-party dresses last week, Margaery is wearing another “harlot dress.” You know what works for you, Marg; don’t let Cersei slut-shame you! 3 points.
- If I thought I was uncomfortable before, the word gains new meaning when Margaery gets her hands on a crossbow. The Lady Tyrell is proving to be a masterful politican; instead of being frightened by Sansa’s news that Joffrey is a “monster,” Margaery decides to show the King that she can be his monsteress. He can be the King, but watch the Queen conquer. 5 points.
The Biggest Feminist This Week: There is no way to compete with a woman who wants her cheese and gets it when she wants it too. Pragmatic, self-assured, and unafraid to speak her mind, the “Queen of Thorns,” Lady Olenna, is the woman we all want to be when we grow up with the headscarf collection we wouldn’t mind having right now. (No? Fine — more headscarves for me!) Lady Olenna has gumption and a cutting wit; hopefully we’ll be seeing more of this feisty grandma as Game of Thrones continues.
Our Takeaway: “Once the cow’s been milked there’s no squirting the cream back up her udder, so here we are to see things through!”