Game of Thrones Feminist Leaderboard
11:00 am, April 22nd | by Colette McIntyre
HBO’s Game of Thrones has something for everybody — zombies, dragons, manipulation, sex, wolves, Peter Dinklage, violence, politics, homoerotic subtext, songs by super hip indie bands, more sex — but what we love most are Westeros’ badass women: the dames of thrones fight, plot, snark, strive, and are as multifaceted and intriguing as their male counterparts. Each week, The Jane Dough will rank the GoT ladies according to how hard they ruled in last night’s episode. Start your Mondays feeling like the commander of dragons, rather than the bleary-eyed version of yourself you usually bring to work at the beginning of the week. When you play the game of feminism, you win or you…well, don’t win.
- Even with her arms tied to her sides, Brienne is able to take down a few Bolton men! She was throwing boots and tossing men aside like it was her 9 to 5 while Jamie was swinging around pointlessly like a blindfolded six-year-old trying to hit a piñata. I wouldn’t tango with her… 3 points
- Brienne doesn’t hide her frustration and contempt from Jamie: “You have a taste — one taste of the real world, where people have important things taken from them, and you whine and cry and quit.” That’s right! You’re Daryl Hall and Jamie is your rich girl — teach him a thing or two! 4 points
- “You sound like a bloody woman!” Oh well, come on now; we’re not all that bad. -5 points.
- Sitting down to a secret kiki with Varys? Swiping Littlefinger’s shipboard inventory? Knowing how to read? Figuring out that your boss is a conniving, manipulative, little slug and that you should look out for Sansa Stark? (Which is more than I can say for Sansa Stark herself…and I mean, Littlefinger has the facial hair of a dastardly villan from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon; HOW DON’T YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS UP, GIRL?!) Prodigies in odd places, indeed! 4 points
- “Rare for a woman in your profession.” “Former profession.” Ros is rising up the ranks. She knows how to play this game with the finest of them. 4 points.
- Margaery understand Joffrey’s deranged nature more than most and by appealing to it, she is wrapping the boy king around her little finger. Margaery, you are good. 5 points.
- Oh man, did you see that look Margaery sent behind her before stepping into the public eye with Joffrey? She was all “Yeah, Cersei, you can stay here with all these other relics and former power players. I’m going to take these crossbow-stroking hands and do some real pageant waving, kthnxbai.” And the people of King’s Landing certainly loved calling Lady Margaery’s name. 5 points.
- Cersei Lannister and Lady Olenna together, sassing and snarking in one place? Someone break the safety glass and grab a defibrillator; I’m beginning to see stars. No points, just a loss of breath.
- When Lady Olenna rolls her eyes at the patriarchal system, she is speaking Cersei’s truth — we know it, Cersei knows it, Olenna knows it — and yet the Queen responds with a rather weak “The gods have seen fit to make it so.” The gods? Since when do you care about the gods, Cersei? I’m fairly sure the gods weren’t in that tower with you and Jamie, your brother, if you know what I’m saying. What’s happened to you? Someone get this Lannister a goblet of wine and a poor person to mock, stat. -5 points
- Cersei’s speech to her father about how she may be the most deserving of his “confidence and trust,” the one with the “most to contribute” to the family’s legacy was her finest moment yet this season. Finally, we get a peek of the Cersei that we used to know — which is a great Gotye song, by the by. 6 points.
- …but then it turns out that this grand speech was made because Cersei is jealous of her little Joff-Joff’s new wifey. How disappointing! Poppa Lannister is right — if Cersei knew how to manipulate her own son half as well as she can manipulate all of King’s Landing, she would be a far more powerful character. And how can one argue with Tywin’s perceptive rationale: “I don’t distrust you because you’re a woman. I distrust you because you’re not as smart as you think you are.” Yikes, C-dog; you’re having a rough
- In a way, the combination of Lady Olenna’s headdress and outfit makes her look like Game of Thrones‘ grown-up version of Eureka, from Eureka’s Castle. Just an observation. No points.
- Not even Olenna’s own son is safe from her disdain. Cersei could learn something from Olenna, like how not to be delusional in regards to your children. Olenna knows what’s what, and I love her for it. 3 points.
- About men: “And yet the world belongs to them.” “A ridiculous arrangement in my mind.” #Misandry #DamnStraight I would love to see a world in which Lady Olenna was Supreme Ruler.. [sigh] Only in my dreams.6 points
- Yes! Another scene in Lady Olenna’s Garden of Derision! If Lady Olenna were a Pokémon, she would be S’Koffing. GET IT? Scoffing meets Koffing? …No? Ugh, whatever; don’t judge me for being a more passionate child that you were. Anyway, Olenna is right: she is far more fierce than a growing rose could ever suggest. Just witness how she slices and dices with Varys, Master of Whisperers. Oh, move to King’s Landing permanently, Queen of Thorns! 4 points.
- So Sansa’s a “babe in the woods” and not a particularly interesting girl… -3 points.
- but all the interesting people are talking/plotting about her, so that’s something, right? 3 points.
- You little spitfire (don’t worry, the Hound — it’s just an expression), you! For being the bravest one among the Brotherhood Without Banners: 5 points.
- Mother[of dragons]er! Dany laid all her cards on the table and she was flawless! She speaks Valyrian! Every time the Unsullied slaver called Daenerys a “bitch” or a “whore,” she understood! And she didn’t even flinch — she was playing the long game! She butchered and burned down an entire city! (Remember when Jorah tried to school the Khaleesi on the violence and cruelty of war in the last episode? LOL!) But even her butchering was tasteful since she saved all the children and slaves! She freed an army of one nippled men and they still wish to fight for her! She has three dragons and eight thousand Unsullied who are basically walking Rock’em Sock’em Robots! How can she be defeated?! 8,003 points
The Biggest Feminist This Week: …I mean, everyone knew it was going to be Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, right? After the gambit she pulled in Astapor, there was no way that anyone else could’ve won. Margaery and Lady Olenna gave it the ol’ Tyrell try but they just couldn’t compare to taking over a whole city. This is the second week in a row that the mother of dragons wins the Feminist Iron Throne! In short, Dany rules everything around me, D.R.E.A.M, get the Unsullied, “Dracarys” means “Ya done,” y’all!
Our Takeaway: Keep calm and carry a fire-breathing dragon. You know, metaphorically. Or not. We won’t tell.