Imagine that Betty Hofstadt Draper Francis time-traveled, read The Feminine Mystique and Lean In, and was inspired to join the modern workplace. What would the “Special Skills” section of her resumé include, besides “messing with my daughter’s self-esteem”?

In today’s EOD roundup: Fiona Apple cemented her place in our hearts by postponing her South American tour in order to spend more time with her sick pitbull, Janet. In a hand-written note posted on Facebook, the singer shares painfully lovely memories of crying into Janet’s chest and singing her to sleep. Fiona, don’t you worry about a thing. We’ll have a bottle of wine uncorked and Homeward Bound all queued up, should you need us.

Ah, Black Friday: the time when Americans fight against their tryptophan hangovers and drag their swollen bodies (that at this point are merely engorged stomachs with heads, legs, and nagging desires for cheap flared jeans) to the closest mall at ungodly hours just to delight in slashed prices. It almost brings a tear to one’s eye. Yet, through all of my fistfights in the Target aisles for various accouterments, I always had a nagging feeling that I was missing something. Sure, I love saving cash but I also love learning and, of course, My Man. “If only there was a way to combine all three of my favorite things,” I would pine, pressing a Monster High doll crusted with the blood of my opponents to my cheek.

While broadcasting his radio show, Kilmeade made an…interesting joke about Fox News’ hiring procedures. After being asked about the addition of Alisyn Camerota to his news team, Brian Kilmeade “joked,” “It was actually, we go into the Victoria’s Secret catalog and we can, ‘Can any of these people talk?’ And they all could and they all went to college.” When at first you don’t succeed with a binder full of woman, try the Victoria’s Secret catalog, can’t have ‘em sexy, who cares if they’re qualified, amirite?!