How to Buy a Girlfriend Online
4:15 pm, December 21st | by Colette McIntyre
Normally, I rail against the whole essentialist, “Men! Women! They’ll never see eye to eye!” shtick that has fueled far too many of Nick at Nite’s favorite stand-up comics for far too long, but the existence of GirlfriendHire has me feeling like I am to men as parents are to The Fresh Prince — I just don”t understand.
GirlfriendHire is a website that sells fake girlfriends to men. The site doesn’t sell sex; it’s more like Amazon or Etsy than a brothel, peddling the non-sexual aspects of girlfriend-ship for a base price of $5. All of the services offered on GirlfriendHire are referred to as “relationships” and are girlfriend-ish if you think being someone’s girlfriend means acting like a total weirdo: one girl is offering to shop online for a guy and create a wardrobe for him. Another will brag about the amazing fake sex that you had together on your Facebook wall.
A writer at the Daily Dot tried the site and spent some time texting with a seller who promised to tell him how much she hated his taste in music. My greatest joy this morning was derived from scrolling through GirlfriendHire’s vast list of services. I feel like I have learned a lot about what men expect in relationships — for instance, now I will be sure to always make fun of my future boyfriend.
The site’s categories range from “breakup proxy”, to “female secrets”, to the utterly bizarre “homework hire.” The latter combined with the fact that all of these goods can be purchased with what is basically chore money has me thinking that GirlfriendHire’s clientele is largely still in middle school. I’m positive that a seller who marketed herself as a school dance date would make a killing. What? It’s a tough economy.