How to Use Your Penis Cake Pan After the Bachelorette Party is Over
2:35 pm, August 19th | by Colette McIntyre
One of the best parts of any bachelorette party is shopping for said bachelorette party. Walking into the bachelorette section of a party supplies store is like finding the secret merchandise of a Troma film: disembodied penises of all shapes, sizes, colors, and iterations gleam on every wall, just waiting to be the object of uncomfortable giggles and drunk Instagrams. It’s Willy Wonka’s cock-olate factory and you can bet the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. But after the last stripper has been paid and your hangover has dissipated into pangs of embarrassment and IHOP cravings, what do you do with your Smörgåsbord of trouser snake paraphernalia? “Penis Pans” documents one innovative woman’s struggle to make use of the penis cake pan she bought for a bachelorette party.
As it turns out, going green with the mold of a man’s Giving Tree requires a lot of imagination, decorative frosting, and, as is the case with the “wizard” cake, a little bit of suspended dick-belief.
“Penis Pans” made us think: how does one repurpose other bachelorette party accoutrements?
The Penis Shot Glass: Use this plastic erection to organize and display your ring collection! Is the hard-on just used as a handle, like it is here? Give the glass a quick once over with paint or (more likely) a Sharpie so that it isn’t a creepy, Gollum-like flesh cool and let your niece’s Barbies use it as an ottoman or stool. And don’t laugh when you see USA President Barbie sitting on it. DO. NOT. LAUGH.
The Penis Shot Glass Necklace: Two words: hanging terrarium. Make that shlong stealthy by painting it green. Look, now it’s a succulent! (…But wasn’t it always? *RIMSHOT*)
Penis Gummies: Don’t act like all of those years with an Easy Bake Oven and your brother’s plastic army men taught you nothing! If those pricks are past their prime, melt them down and make miniature stained glass art!
Candy Underwear: Have you worn it?
NO: Cut those knock-off Smarties free, dump them into a smart serving dish, and leave it on your coffee table. Most people won’t eat them (because actual Smarties are bad enough; eating knock-off Smarties is an act of self-harm and should be seen as a cry for help) but they will at least think that you are together and muture enough to have a candy dish in your house. You know who else have candy dishes in their home? Grandmothers. Everyone loves their grandmother and everyone will love you.
YES: …It’s stuck to your body, isn’t it?
“Pin The Macho On The Man” Game: So you have a poster-sized image of a naked man. If your husband/significant other/roommate/mom isn’t cool with you mounting the picture in the living room (or if your affiliations don’t swing that way), pull a Home Alone 2: Keep creeps and Tim Currys out of your house (though I’m not sure why you would want to keep Tim Curry out of your house when I’ve been trying to get him in mine for ages…) by drawing some business casual on your Macho Man and placing him in your window. The ominous, muscled figure will keep bungling burglars away when you’re at home alone, in a Snuggie, organizing your underwear.
6′ Blow Up Penis: If you place a 6′ blow up penis outside of your house, like a wind dancer outside of a car dealership, would it attract other large penises? Would it function like the Bat-Signal or…? No, you don’t think so? Penises wouldn’t just naturally congregate around the largest penis in the area? It’s not a worker bee-Queen bee scenario? ….so no? We’re going with “no” on this one? Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
…Is there a song I can sing? Some Hocus Pocus ballad? “Come Little Penises“? Yeah, you don’t have to answer that. Just wishful thinking…