Read of the Day: “Five Exorcisms for Better Abs”
5:29 pm, October 1st | by Colette McIntyre
In today’s Read of the Day, the power of Christ compels you…to put down that Take 5 bar and pick up a Shake Weight, gurl!!!
1. The Bicycle
Strap yourself to a bed with a large wooden frame. Invite a priest to summon the demon out of you. Don’t let the priest get close enough to your nightstand to see what you’ve been reading lately. As the demon pushes itself through your body, engage your core. Feel your core warming the part of your body that is still connected to your soul. Your face will turn white as you feel your soul fighting for survival—that means it’s working! Hoist up both legs perpendicular to your pale and rapidly-diminishing body. Scissor legs slowly above your body as though you are kicking away from an eternity of burning and gnashing of teeth.
Ask a priest to beat the devil out of you with a wooden plank. Embrace the burn.
3. The Devil’s Chair
All you need for this exorcism are a few regular household items—a chair (yoga ball is an acceptable substitute), a rag, and an angered demonic spirit that can help you levitate so your feet no longer touch the ground. Sit in a chair as through it’s Thanksgiving and you are reaching for more rolls. Shoulders back, arms out. As the demonic spirit lifts the chair into the air (caution: watch for ceiling), lift legs repeatedly with a slight bend in the knees. Press ankles together. Use rag to wipe drool.
For exorcisms that will get you a firm booty, click here!