Read of the Day: “Introducing the Bon Iver ‘Skinny Love’ Cinnabo Depression Sweatpants”
5:37 pm, November 14th | by Colette McIntyre
Do you spend hours alone in your bathtub eating carbohydrates and crying along to For Emma, Forever Ago? We know, sister, we’ve all been there. You may be showing signs of clinical depression. However, even worse than the bouts of crippling self-doubt, loss of interest in friends, and difficulty getting out of bed, is fitting into those skinny jeans that are so “in” right now!
Well, now you can have it all: A life-altering, clinically diagnosed disease; sugary sweet empty calories; pants; and Justin Vernon’s heart-wrenching, loon-like wails.
The Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants are the latest in post-college breakup apparel technology. Woven from actual tear-soaked strands of Justin Vernon’s beard, the pants will be on your body the entire time you teeter closer and closer to the edge of hara-kiri and/or a diabetic coma! Yes, with the Bon Iver “Skinny Love” Cinnabon Depression Sweatpants, you can stuff your face with as many cinnamon rolls as it takes to stop feeling emotion (clinical trials indicate this occurs after 12-14 individual rolls) while still having pants that don’t vaporize the minute your bloated, walrus-like body touches them! And the best part? They vibrate along to any Bon Iver song!
You heard right: Go ahead and light some candles and flick on that purposefully vintage-looking record player. Our patented Vernon-brate™ fibers will gently pulsate along to specific frequencies only generated by Vernon’s melodramatic croon. “My my my my my,” indeed!
To read the full piece, click here.