Read of the Day: Jezebel‘s Lindy West Ruins Love Actually For All of Us
5:00 pm, December 19th | by Colette McIntyre
In today’s Read of the Day, Jezebel columnist Lindy West re-watches your younger sister’s favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually, or, as West calls it, “the apex of cynically vacant faux-motional cash-grab garbage cinema.” As you can tell, she has a lot of feelings about the movie. Mostly (entirely) negative ones.
Liam Neeson is bummed out because his wife just died. This storyline is uncomfortable because just six years after he filmed these scenes Liam Neeson’s real-life wife actually tragically died. I kind of feel like having to watch Liam Neeson goof his way through this vacant, sentimental pap is insulting to the memory of Natasha Richardson. I also kind of feel like Love Actually did that on purpose, somehow, using time travel and/or necromancy. I’m against it.
The grief-stricken Liam Neeson calls up Emma Thompson, who I guess is just some woman he knows (relationship NEVER EXPLAINED), to talk about how sad he is. Emma Thompson is Love Actually’s resident female-personality-haver, which means that she’s totally nice and bland 95% of the time and then every once in a while she’ll say something horribly caustic and inappropriate and out of character. You know, like normal regular human woman who is not robot!
Emma Thompson tells Liam Neeson that she’s obviously “terribly concerned that your wife just died but anywayz bye, LYLAS.” Later, she tells him, “Get a grip. People hate sissies. And no one’s going to shag you if you cry all the time.” Oh, she’s just terrifically naughty, isn’t she? (Don’t worry, though! She’ll be PUNISHED LATER FOR HER INFERNAL PERSONALITY.)
Some fucking guy is running around throwing sandwiches at people and asking female office workers if they want his “lovely nuts.” It’s possible that he says something important, but I couldn’t tell you because the music is louder than the dialogue because #competence.
Oh, looks like his name is Colin, and he’s terribly terribly oppressed because no ladies want to sit on his ginger ween (idea: could it possibly be because you wear a shirt that says “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and call complete strangers “my future wife” in a professional setting and then whine about not receiving immediate intercourse?). Colin decides to go to America in order to locate skanks. This is his entire plotline.
For more hilarious Love Actually mockery, click here.