Read of the Day: “What If Gwyneth Paltrow Is Merely a Mirror of Our Own Obnoxiousness?”
5:30 pm, August 22nd | by Colette McIntyre
In today’s Read of the Day, Sarah Miller discovers that if you look long enough into the Gwyneth Paltrow void, the Gwyneth Paltrow void begins to look back through you.
Let’s listen to Gwyneth for a few minutes, and, in doing so, listen to ourselves.
“We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature—all this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you’re wearing?’ and I thought, I can’t stay here. I have to get back to Europe.”
Granted, “I have to get back to Europe” is obnoxious. The immediacy of it—like if she doesn’t leave right away she could be kidnapped and forced to work at a water park. Also, I would like to know where all these funny Europeans Gwyneth is talking about are, because I never met one. Still, Gwyneth hardly invented Euro-Worship. At least once a day I hear some upper middle class white person between 30-45 talking about how much better Europe is than the United States, and how people are so much more intellectual than they are here, how wonderful it is that French people have authors on television instead of Kim Kardashian and how amazing their vegetables are and they don’t have GMOs there and blah blah blah.
“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
Mostly my problem with this is the crack. Are you smoking crack, Gwyneth? It’s a mystery that “I’d rather do x than smoke crack” jokes still exist, and it’s even more perplexing that people still laugh at them. As far as the cheese snobbery goes, well, do you eat cheese from a tin? Would you? I highly doubt it. Have you ever said, “Oh my God, who even eats Cheeze Whiz anymore?” I bet money you have. Good thing for you no one writes down what you say and prints it.
“My daughter gravitates toward fresh fruit and raw nuts but will inhale a bag of hot Cheetos at the airport. It’s all about balance.”
Gravitate is not a verb that helps Gwyneth out very much here, but the content is pretty standard. Seriously, have you ever talked to parents of young kids before and heard them talk about, well, anything, other than what they feed their kids principally and what they feed their kids for treats, and how it’s all about …yes, balance. And don’t they love a good self-deprecating giggle about how their adorable and essentially extremely healthy little monsters ate a whole bag of those really expensive potato chips when they weren’t looking or how “Cooper drank orange soda, at some place where there were poor people, and now he wants it all the time, and so we’ve tried to convince him that fresh squeezed orange juice and seltzer are the same thing!” I heard that once. I added the part about the poor people, but that’s basically what the person said. And no. It wasn’t Gwyneth.
To read the rest of Miller’s Gooplosophy, click here.