Read of the Day: “What Sandals Resort Are You?”
5:30 pm, September 25th | by Colette McIntyre
In today’s Read of the Day, McSweeney’s reveals Your Truth: you fear that you are never going to let someone in long enough for them to truly love you and you are Sandals Mantego Bay. JK — they only knows the latter but we had you going for a second, didn’t we?
1. You prefer to go through life:
a) buffeted by the trade winds.
b) serenaded by saxophone.
c) in imperial style, in a chauffeur-driven Rolls Royce or Mercedes.
e) in a Kohler claw-footed tub.
2. Your earliest childhood memory:
a) includes an English pub.
b) is reminiscent of a picture postcard.
c) is accessible via a VIP airport transfer.
d) is private and hidden away, accessible only by you and your personal butler.
e) opens to a cantilevered private plunge pool with an infinity edge.
3. You have a recurring dream:
a) of swimming under the sea.
b) of flying.
c) of elegant dress shorts.
d) of walking a deserted alabaster beach, beside crystalline waters deep as time itself. Red curtains billow and you step wordlessly into the limbo of a tented void, losing the “I” and “me” of a distant, harried life, and becoming “Bay Roc Villa 14,” mere blood and bone and resort all-access room-charge. A swan shape-shifts into a towel and a faceless entity touches your soul—well your back. What does their face look like, you wonder, as you gaze at their feet through the hollow of the massage table. You hear the voice of Karina Stratton in an adjacent tent. Wait—Karina Stratton? The hell is she doing here?
e) of Turkish ivory patika travertine natural stone with accents of pebbles and porcelain planks from Italy.
For the full quiz and results, click here.