Read of the Day: “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Cthulhu”
6:00 pm, August 16th | by Colette McIntyre
In today’s Read of the Day, Mari Ness advises mothers who are expecting “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.”
2. A terrible, unstoppable yearning for the cold, salty depths of ocean trenches, far from the corrupting stink of humanity, which you will now realize, not for the first time, must die for the sake of interstellar beings that you’ve never actually spent much time thinking about before.
Also, for fish.
You will really want fish.
3. Bloat. This is normal and expected and has absolutely nothing to do with your increased nightmares of worshippers falling at your feet and your craving for their blood. You are not filling with blood, just water.
4. Confirmation of travel plans that you are absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent certain you did not make to such locations as the mountains of Antarctica, an oasis in the Sahara Desert that does not currently appear on Google Maps, the Mariana Trench, and Walt Disney World.
5. Cancellation of all of your credit cards for “unusual activity,” followed by a statement from your credit card company that alleged origins in remote corners of the Andromeda Galaxy do not preclude account owners from obtaining a Social Security number just like everyone else and that suspicious activity, which clearly means you, can and will be reported to the Department of Homeland Security.
To read the hilarious list in full, head over to McSweeney’s.