Spring Breakers Crushed The Box Office; Broke Local Girl’s Brain
3:00 pm, March 25th | by Kristie Rohwedder
I saw Spring Breakers last weekend and I have yet to move on.
Its limited, 3-theatre release generated $270,000. And after seeing it, I think the movie deserved all of the money. It’s amazing. I haven’t had a chance to talk about it with anyone else who saw it, so I hashed out my feelings with myself.
Welcome to A Very Special Discussion About Spring Breakers Between Two Kristies.
Kristie 1: Did you love it? I loved it.
Kristie 2: Yeah. I was worried because there were A LOT of boobies and butts in the first 5 minutes, and I am kind of immature about that stuff, but I held my own.
K 1: I surprised myself too, because the nudity didn’t really bother me. Perhaps because it was very
tongue-in-cheek or ironic or whatever. But yeah, I wasn’t as uncomfortable as I was, say, while watching Shame.
K 2: Which is totally understandable, but you’re comparing apples and oranges. Did you think women were objectified in SB?
K 1: Well, obviously. But the male gaze was so insanely exaggerated that I interpreted it as a critique of it. I really hope I’m right, because otherwise, SB is much harder to stomach. It’s been a while since I took a “Women & Film” class, so I’ll leave that stuff to people who know what they’re talking about.
K 2: Yeah, stop it. You don’t want to sound dumb.
K 1: TOO LATE. Let’s get into the fun parts…
K 2: JAMES FRAAANCOOOOOOOOOOO
K 1: Right. Best James Franco performance?
K 2: Best James Franco performance. I will be so disappointed if his portrayal of Alien is not nominated for something, and I am not being sarcastic.
K 1: You don’t have to tell me when you’re using sarcasm. But yes, he deserves a million accolades. Did you have to keep reminding yourself that it was James Franco underneath the cornrows and the face tattoos and the pervy behavior?
K 2: Oh, constantly. I need to make his “Spraaang Break. Spraaaang Breaak. Spraaaaaang Breaaak” poem my ringtone. I’m sure I could find it online, but I assume it is such a popular download that every link is already teeming with viruses.
K 1: You’re so paranoid about the Internet. What about the part when he revealed that he uses not one, but two Calvin Klein colognes? HE SMELL NIIICE.
K 2: Sorry, I was too distracted by him calling his bed an art piece.
K 1: The entire “look at all of my possessions!” monologue was an art piece. It was as if Alien thought he was on an episode of Cribs, but then decided he was also teaching a “You Can Buy Happiness!” course at the Learning Annex. I’m going to wallpaper the apartment with the entire screenplay.
K 2: Did you like the four main ladies?
K 1: Duh. Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens were TERRIFYING as two young women born without moral compasses. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two characters’ backstory was that they both found out they were missing the chunk of their brain that differentiated right from wrong. And then they bonded over their shared condition.
K 2: Let me know when you figure out what that piece of the brain is called.
K 1: Shut up. On the other end of the spectrum was Selena Gomez’s character. She felt all of the feelings all of the time. That scene when she broke down while talking to Alien?
K 2: Or when she told her friends she wanted to be on spring break for forever because it was the first time she felt like a real person or whatever?
K 1: I really love Selena Gomez. Rachel Korine was awesome, too.
K 2: I could not handle when she was at that party full of gross dudes by herself. It was a super stressful scene. Why was she there by herself? Why didn’t the other Spring Breakers show any concern for their M.I.A. friend? Those beautiful trolls couldn’t see past their own trolly noses to realize their friend could be in danger.
K 1: Yeah. I think it was the scariest part of the movie because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anyway, big fan of the horror show that was the Spring Breakers Four.
K 2: What did you like better: the Day-Glo color scheme or the music?
K 1:AUGH the music was so incredible. I thought it was going to be BWOMP BWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMPWOMP WAAAAHWAHWAH (my Skrillex impression) the entire time, but the combination of Skrillex and Cliff Martinez was on another level.
K 2: You should’ve known better. You did love the Drive OST. The music was perfect for the movie. I still don’t love Skrillex, but I get it now. I get it now. If someone told me I’d be sitting alone in a movie theatre with chills up my spine listening to a Skrillex song, I’d reply, “stranger things have happened.”
K 1: OH BUT THE COLORS! THE VISUALS!
K 2: I wanted to snort all of it with my eyeballs. The use of black light and fluorescent colors…I can’t even.
K 1: Are Florida sunsets really that beautiful? I went to Orlando once and I don’t remember the sunsets being so enchanting.
K 2: Whoa, the movie magic definitely got to you. To be fair, I don’t enjoy going in the ocean…
K 1: Because you’re scared to go swimming in deep water without your eyeglasses on, I know.
K 2: …But this movie really made me want to go swimming in the ocean! You know what? The movie could’ve influenced me in worse ways.
K 1: Do you want to go on spring break now?
K 2: No. Absolutely not. The partying scenes made me very anxious. All of it was so foul. Do people honestly think that sort of mayhem is a good time? There is an entire world out there I do not know. Anyway, some of the other “not beautiful” scenes were actually incredibly gorgeous.
K 1: Like watching the Chicken Shack robbery from outside of the restaurant?
K 2: Yeah! Or the “Everytime” scene.
K 1: Wait, that was conventionally beautiful. The Spring Breakers were dancing in front of a beach sunset next to Alien playing the song on a piano!
K 2: They were pirouetting with rifles.
K 1: Okay, yeah it was a tad unsettling.
K 2: And then it launched into a robbery montage SET to “Everytime”. And it was—
K 1: The best scene of the movie.
K 2: Agreed. Man. We haven’t even touched the most explicit stuff that happened.
K 1: You mean the loaded-gun fellatio? Or the menage-a-trois? Or any vulgar thing that Hudgens’ character said?
K 2: That’s a fairly sufficient rundown. No need to go any further. Wait, how did you sum up the movie the other day?
K 1: I think it was, “if Lisa Frank decided to remake Scarface”.
K 2: That’s accurate, but too obvious…Alien’s favorite movie is Scarface. Constant, ya’ll.
K 1: My head hurts.