Warning: This article will be peppered by horrendous ketchup puns and jokes, the type that belong on a popsicle stick and not in a news piece. This is because I am a professional.

At 81-years-old, having fired his onetime successor, Warren Buffett understandably needs to do some hiring. So he’s added a new portfolio manager to the mix. Ted Weschler, a 50-year-old from Charlottesville, Virginia is Berkshire-bound. And you’ll never believe how he got the in with Buffett. Will he take over as Omaha’s Oracle?

Warren Buffett announced that Berkshire Hathaway would be buying up Wesco, long considered the “backdoor” (i.e. cheaper) avenue to investing with the Oracle of Omaha, certain Bufett devotees whimpered in despair. Investing with Berkshire or Wesco of course had spectacular appeal numbers-wise, but for many, part of the draw was going to shareholder meetings and getting to hear from Buffett and his amusing sidekick Charlie Munger, who ran Wesco.

For “hard-core addicts” who are worried they won’t get another chance to hear from Munger – a tough but hysterical straight shooter regarded as the only guy willing to stand up to Buffett – don’t fret. Munger will host “A Morning With Charlie” tomorrow in Pasadena, California, according to Bloomberg. Wesco’s website (which, to put it nicely, is just as “no frills” as Berkshire’s) says that “Charlie will make some opening remarks, and then he will take questions from the audience about business, economics and life.” Vague, yet wonderful.

The Oracle is no longer offering discount prices: Warren Buffett devotees will soon have one fewer way to invest with their idol. Buffett is removing Wesco Financial Corporation, long considered the “backdoor” way to invest with the Oracle of Omaha, from the stock exchange, Bloomberg reports.

Buffett’s “front door” investing operation, Berkshire Hathaway, is buying up the remaining 20 percent of Wesco that it doesn’t already own, as long as shareholders approve it at a meeting today.

Not like that, perv!

After the David Sokol alleged insider trading flap, speculation has mounted over where the Berkshire Hathaway CEO and Chairman Warren Buffett will find his successor — that is, if he even leaves anytime soon. For the record, since he’s still going strong at age 80, we’re doubting that’s going to happen right away. That notwithstanding, Sokol’s departure leaves a pretty significant void, and the spot of Buffett’s heir apparent still seems up for grabs.

Keeping that in mind, Seeking Alpha pointed out that Buffett seems to “give his best interviews with female reporters” — and that perhaps, using that logic, a woman would be best suited for Buffett’s second-in-command spot. The financial blog notes that Buffett’s ego has often caused him to butt heads with some of this all-male cadre of possible successors.

The day. has. come.

Styleite might have had Kate, Wills and the Wedding of the Century — but we have Warren Buffett and the Woodstock of Capitalism: the annual Berkshire Hathaway Stockholder Conference.

Why do we care?

Because the company’s army of investors have flocked to Omaha, Nebraska where they’ll hear Warren Buffett make jokes, get some answers on the recent David Sokol controversy, and also attend picnics and steak dinners and get shopping discounts. We know you want to be there, but in the unfortunate event you didn’t make it, here’s your highly-detailed guide to attending the Berkshire Hathaway Stockholder Conference vicariously.

The masses are already descending upon Omaha for an event so momentous it’s like the lunar landing and the Beatles’ U.S. debut all rolled into one: The annual Berkshire Hathaway Stockholder Conference.

Don’t laugh. This event is rare opportunity to hear the Oracle of Omaha, himself, talk — a lot. Warren Buffett holds an epic, multi-hour Q & A session every year, which we imagine is something like listening to Steven Tyler explain why he’s awesome. But better.

And while this year’s conference is tinged with a bit of scandal, it’s a fantastic opportunity to engage in a little gawky, under-the-table wagering on what might transpire. Why wouldn’t you? It’s more fun than Vegas!

So, without further ado, we present the Mogulite Berkshire Hathaway Oddsmaker. We hope this will help you place your bets for the coming weekend.

Not unlike Steve Jobs’ quasi-admission today that he made a mistake with the iPhone’s location tracking data, Berkshire Hathaway chairman Warren Buffett is finally conceding to what we all already knew – that what Dave Sokol did was wrong. After much denial, Berkshire Hathaway announced in a scathing report this afternoon that Buffett’s recently resigned one-time heir apparent at the company did indeed violate its ethics policy according to DealBook.

Sokol stepped down from Berkshire Hathaway three weeks ago, saying he wanted to refocus on investing his own money. But we had a feeling that wasn’t the whole truth.

Warren Buffett never asked his personal security guard of more than 15 years to sign a non-disclosure agreement — possibly because he’s employing the one person in the world more wholesome than he is.

In a “tell-all” interview with the Omaha World-Herald, former police officer Dan Clark actually told very little about his boss’ personal life. We’d be more disappointed, but Clark’s assertion that he and Buffett “have always done business on a handshake based on trust,” just warms our cynical little hearts to the core.

Clark crossed paths with the Berkshire Hathaway exec after a chance meeting with Buffett’s daughter in an Omaha bagel joint in the 90′s, in the midst of breaking news reports that bank robbers were looking to kidnap the elder Buffett. Alarmed, Buffett’s daughter questioned the nearest policeman, at which point Clark offered his protective services. Since 1995, Clark has been Buffett’s right hand man.

AIG subsidiary Chartis is breathing deep after unloading a pile of asbestos-related claims on Warren Buffet’s Berkshire Hathaway.

Chartis, the property and casualty arm of AIG, was facing a series of asbestos-based liabilities that could have cost the company as much as $3.5 billion to resolve, according to the Financial Times. Berkshire took on protection against the claims, while pocketing $1.65 billion.

“We believe that this transaction is beneficial for Chartis, as it will reduce the risk of future adverse development of U.S. asbestos exposures,” said Peter Hancock, chief executive of Chartis.

Sounds like a smooth move for Chartis. So what’s in it for Berkshire?