For the past several weeks I have been trapped in a prison of my own making. I’m referring, of course, to Bachelor Pad, a summer show that has transfixed me to the point that I have actually begged off of plans with friends in order to watch it live on Monday nights. It’s an awful show full of awful people, but I’ve nonetheless been trapped, a slave to my own burning desire to know how it ends. Now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel — the finale airs tonight on ABC, in which the final two couples make the case for their victory to all the eliminated competitors, who vote on it Survivor style. Moreover, host Chris Harrison has promised that tonight’s episode will be “one of the wildest, craziest, most dramatic and devastatingly stunning shows you have ever seen.” There are only a couple of ways this could go down, and they’re all awesome. Let’s take a look at the major players.

Most people grow up, get a job, and work Monday through Friday (if they’re lucky). It’s not the greatest schedule in the world, but it’s comforting to know that just about everyone has to deal with it. The advent of reality television, however, has given rise to a whole new model for earning a living: the “spend six weeks embarrassing oneself on national television in the hopes of winning enough money to justify that decision for the next year or so” plan. And there is no greater offender on reality television than ABC’s glorious summer trainwreck “Bachelor Pad.”