“We are 100% going there.”

Say what you will about British writer E.L. James and her Twilight fanfic-turned-novel Fifty Shades of Grey , but girl is living large. (Seriously, she’s making bank. At this point I imagine that her paychecks come in the form of a comically oversized canvas sack with a dollar sign printed on the side, just brimming with money.) To top off her year of domination, James was recently named USA Today‘s “Author of the Year,” a status symbol probably as coveted in literary circles as second-grader Julia Norris’ selection for her monthly book report or the advertising panel next to David Baldacci’s on the Q train.

First it saved marriages, then it sparked pregnancies, and now it’s ending relationships. E.L. James’s explosively popular “Fifty Shades” series has just influenced the demise of one marriage, as a 41-year-old wealthy banker is divorcing her husband for refusing to take a Christian Grey approach to their sex life.

Magazines have been trouble for a while, so it’s difficult to try to understand why anyone in their right mind would create a Fifty Shades mag and sell it for $6.99. If we’ve learned anything from E.L. James’s explosive series though, it’s that women cannot help themselves when it comes to troubled wealthy entrepreneur Christian Grey, and if they’re willing to buy “Fifty Shades” themed bed sheets, they’re probably just as happy to purchase a glossy publication in its honor.

When I attended the Union Square “Fifty Shades of Grey” signing earlier this year, I met a woman who said she missed the novel’s hearthrob, Christian Grey, a wealthy entrepreneur with a love for BDSM. She had just finished the books and felt a sense of emptiness without the character in her life. I couldn’t understand why anyone would long for a controlling man who buys the publishing house for which his meek girlfriend works just to have power over her, and author E.L. James’s husband seems to share my opinion to some degree. Niall Leonard, “Mr. Fifty Shades,” is relieved not to be the gorgeous, wildly desired and loved Grey.

The “Fifty Shades” series isn’t my thing, but I’m relieved it speaks to lots of women. “Sex and the City” actress Kim Cattrall says about as much of the trilogy, which she believes is good for her fellow ladies.

As I’ve said before, E.L. James’s “Fifty Shades” series makes me hate everything, but I was actually intrigued by the rumor that “Harry Potter” starlet Emma Watson is being considered for role of main character Anastasia Steele in the film adaptation. At 22, she’s the right age for the part and seems more capable than anyone of pulling it off (at least compared to some of the other stupid suggestions), but the British actress has just announced that she has not, in fact, been approached to partake in the “mummy porn” flick.

Everything “Fifty Shades”-related makes me hate myself and want to quit the field of writing — with the exception of the Fifty Shades Generator, which mocks E.L. James’s absurd stylistic choices in the novels (i.e., “My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. ‘I like your kinky f*ckery,’ I whisper”) by generating “world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary.”

So apparently “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the new Bible.

Before cracking open the pages of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” a person has to take several necessary precautions. Number one: Don’t fall in love with any of the characters. Number two: Don’t be too upset if you stumble across any typos or errors. Most importantly, number three: Be very, very careful when picking up a copy of the book at the store. There might be love juice on the floor.