As I’ve said before, E.L. James’s “Fifty Shades” series makes me hate everything, but I was actually intrigued by the rumor that “Harry Potter” starlet Emma Watson is being considered for role of main character Anastasia Steele in the film adaptation. At 22, she’s the right age for the part and seems more capable than anyone of pulling it off (at least compared to some of the other stupid suggestions), but the British actress has just announced that she has not, in fact, been approached to partake in the “mummy porn” flick.

Everything “Fifty Shades”-related makes me hate myself and want to quit the field of writing — with the exception of the Fifty Shades Generator, which mocks E.L. James’s absurd stylistic choices in the novels (i.e., “My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. ‘I like your kinky f*ckery,’ I whisper”) by generating “world-class literature based on a pre-defined vocabulary.”

I guess one could say a lot of ‘good’ has come out of E.L. James’s highly-lauded “Fifty Shades” series. Women are schtupping their husbands again and new life is being created thanks to the pages of erotica. But a lot of stupid sales items have resulted from the popular books, so it’s wonderful that doe-eyed cutie pie Zooey Deschanel is the first person to come up with a good way to make money off the novels.

So apparently “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the new Bible.

Before cracking open the pages of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” a person has to take several necessary precautions. Number one: Don’t fall in love with any of the characters. Number two: Don’t be too upset if you stumble across any typos or errors. Most importantly, number three: Be very, very careful when picking up a copy of the book at the store. There might be love juice on the floor.

This mom’s definition of “classics” is a little broad (she admits as much), given that she includes Fifty Shades Of Grey on this list, but it’s all worth it to read her 6-year-old daughter’s descriptions of classic novels, based solely on their covers. Spoiler alert: it’s amazing. You should really go through the whole list, which includes The Great Gatsby, Fahrenheit 451, and The Catcher In The Rye, but here are a couple of highlights.

Have you ever loved a movie or series so much that it consumed you way more than necessary? I’ve been there, but I was 13 the last time I let a pop culture obsession of mine get the best of me. Childhood is a funny thing. Grown-up life can be just as bizarre: Upon meeting “Fifty Shades” trilogy author E.L. James at Comic-Con, 29-year-old Lola De La Cruz wept.

Everyone won’t shut up over who should portray possessive CEO Christian Grey in the “Fifty Shades of Grey” film adaptation, but top contender Channing Tatum said he’d welcome the role under one condition, which producers must meet or else…

Okay. “Fifty Shades of Grey” is fun to talk about obsess over, but author E.L. James said herself that the books are not revolutionary, yet everyone wants to treat it as such — namely culture expert Ellis Cashmore, who says we should expect a baby boom next year thanks to the trilogy.

Given that women are no longer interested in sex, it’s astounding to hear that E.L. James’s “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the best-selling Kindle book of all time. I suppose we just prefer to imagine the act than actually do it ourselves. Living through fictional characters is just so much better.