Ever since the release of pop sensation Taylor Swift’s uncharacteristically aggressive tune, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” the world has been making educated guesses on the inspiration of the song. The mystery is apparently over though, as a source says it’s about the Pennsylvania musician’s ex-flame, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Donald Trump explodes out of Trump Tower, screaming about how the cast of this season of “Celebrity Apprentice” is the Best. Cast. Yet! He walks behind two guys in work shirts who are unrolling a red carpet along the Manhattan sidewalk. This is so insane. I love it so much! The worker guys run out of red carpet, so Trump fires them and saunters into a studio, where they’ve built a board room set. The crowd goes wild. And we’re LIVE!

Trump sits down and reiterates the impressive amount of money raised for charity by the Apprentices, somehow managing to take credit for all of it. Glad he’s staying true to form! He cues up a recap of all the infighting among the contestants. The clip package reaffirms my desire to see Marlee Matlin win. She’s just the nicest! She is also too famous not to be rewarded with victory after participating in this circus.

This week, we are back to a mere two hours following last week’s three-hour behemoth episode. It feels like a vacation!

Lil Jon and Jon Rich are thrilled to see Meat Loaf return from the boardroom. Marlee Matlin is upset that her team lost and that Star Jones was eliminated, and the guys do their best to comfort her. Donald Trump comes in and announces that the remaining contestants will be interviewed by Bret Michaels, Joan Rivers, and Piers Morgan, all previous “Celebrity Apprentice” champions. Then he’s going to fire two more people. Is Trump trying to hurry up and finish the season so he can announce his presidential campaign that he’s been stringing us along this whole time? I mean, this is a blood bath.

Well, it’s here. The three hour episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” that no one asked for. Why, NBC? I know you are high off the success of “The Voice,” but why??? I am thankful for the “previously” montage, since it confirms that Hope Dworaczyk was fired. Last week, we were denied the schadenfreude of seeing the firing on account of President Obama interrupting the broadcast as a final act of revenge. No big deal.

We pick up right after last week’s boardroom, where the ladies are very unhappy about La Toya Jackson’s reinstatement in the competition. Star Jones removes herself from the cocktail party, since she’s still feuding with NeNe Leakes. Things are dire.

Lil Jon stops by the United Methodist Children’s Home to drop off a check from his win last week. The element of surprise is very important to The Jon, so he hedges about why he’s there until the last second. He finally hands over the $80,000 check, and the rep from the organization is thrilled. So is Lil Jon, but as always it’s time to stop dwelling on philanthropy and start dwelling on excessive wealth/indulgence! Enter Sir Donald Trump.

When we last left our intrepid apprentices, NeNe Leakes was mad at Star Jones for betraying her friendship with LaToya Jackson, despite agreeing with her in the boardroom five minutes ago that LaToya should be fired. I don’t know. Everyone back in the suite predicts that NeNe was fired (just like I did last week! Aww!) and their poker faces when she is the first one to come back into the room are t-t-t-terrible. Nailed it.

John Rich heads to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital to drop off his check from his win last week. “Raising money for charity is what ‘Celebrity Apprentice‘ is all about,” Rich says. Well, that and seeing D-listers say mean things about each other for an hour and a half, if the show’s structure is any indication. He hands over his check, to the obvious delight and gratitude of Lisa, one of the representatives from the hospital. But! Capitalism waits for no man! The apprentices must congregate in an alley IMMEDIATELY!