I spent a lot of time this spring watching new episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation. (Shut up.) Each week when I tuned into TeenNick, my eyes were inundated with the same deeply disturbing commercial. This is my attempt to process it. Proceed with caution, because what has been seen can’t be unseen.

The season finale of the instant classic Vanderpump Rules airs tonight. I am devastated. My obsession with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spinoff blindsided me. Although SUR (which stands
for “Sexy Unique Restaurant,” naturally) is located approximately 10 miles away from my couch, the show teleports me each week to a world that is so sparkly and opulent and glamorous, I hardly notice that I’m wearing Chicago Bears pajama pants while I watch it.

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself at work on this cold, cold Friday, we have the cure — it could always be worse. You could not have a job, for instance. Or your husband could be slowly poisoning you, leading you to write to Elle’s advice columnist for help. Yeah, that happened.

Beyoncé lip-synched at the inauguration. We’re bereft.

If Saved By The Bell: The College Years taught me anything, it was that a college education comes at an exorbitant cost (and that spin-offs are guaranteed to be disappointing). While I thought Kelly Kapowski stooping to work at the skeevy cocktail bar Skeeters in order to fund her dream of being a doctor was the ultimate Faustian bargain, it seems some female collegiates are upping the ante.

Normally, I rail against the whole essentialist, “Men! Women! They’ll never see eye to eye!” shtick that has fueled far too many of Nick at Nite’s favorite stand-up comics for far too long, but the existence of GirlfriendHire has me feeling like I am to men as parents are to The Fresh Prince — I just don”t understand.

And it’s being hosted by Nik Richie, “Couples Therapy” star and founder of the gossip site TheDirty. Are we surprised?

As posters with pious warnings to put down the chips and stop coating your insides with soda take over the adspace in local subways and buses, the other side of our country’s weight problem — that is, being obsessed with being thin, has been pushed to the side. The problem continues to rage, however, reflected in the fact that pro-anorexia websites are growing in popularity amongst young girls and women, even giving rise to phenomenon of “competitive dieting.”

The good news (???): it’s not just Lexxa that Kim Ridley objectifies in his ads. Sometimes his dog gets in the mix, too!

This is one of those stories where pretty much the only thing to do is throw up your hands and yell, either out loud or silently in your head, “Whyyyyyyyyy?!?”