The Jennifer Aniston Advice Your Mom Really Wants You To Read
12:35 pm, August 1st | by Colette McIntyre
From: MOM <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, Aug 1, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Subject: IT’S YOUR MOM DON’T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS ARTICLE BUT I THINK IT’S SOME GOOD ADVICE ALSO HELLO
To: You < ———@gmail.com>
Hi it’s your MOM!!! :) :) :) <3
You haven’t called in a little while and the last time I tried to reach you, you texted me and said you were in a business meeting, but a little “birdie” told me that you were sitting in your apartment, watching TV on the internet (?!). On Good Morning America they mentioned a new online show called Orange Is Back. Are you watching that? I hope you aren’t getting any ideas! Your hair wouldn’t look that glamorous in prison LOL! I’ve been playing FARMVILLE a lot and your father hates it. I’m playing right now. (Shhh, don’t tell him :-O ! ) #BLESSED #IWANTWINE HAHA. (Your sister told me about #HASHTAGS! They’re so fun!)
So Jenn Aniston (I know you dont like her but I think she’s really sweet and funny and her boobs are so great!!!!!!! like mine when younger ;) ) is on the cover of this month’s Glamour and she said some really smart things. She was asked, “What advice would you give yourself in your thirties,” and I think her answer is really applicable to your life.
Go to therapy. Clean up all of the shit. Clean up all of the toxins and the noise. Understand who you are. Educate yourself on the self. You can undo a lot of things. If you’re not happy, you can become happy. Happiness is a choice. That’s the thing I really feel. Like with friends who refuse to get happy, who refuse to rise above the discomfort of where they’re at.
I know that you aren’t thirty yet but I also know that you have a lot of TOXINS and NOISE IN YOUR LIFE. LIKE THAT GUY DANIEL. I KNOW YOU SAID YOU AREN’T TALKING TO HIM BUT YOUR SISTER TOLD ME OTHERWISE AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND DESERVE MORE THAN THAT WEENIE!!! HE HAS TOO MANY TATTOOS AND SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY!! I DON’T MEAN TO BE SHOUTING THIS BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP TYPING CAPITAL LETTERS. ALSO, LIKE JEN SAID, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CLEAN UP A LITTLE?!?! IT LOOKS LIKE A BOMB WENT OFF IN YOUR APARTMENT AND MEN WANT MATERNAL, NOT MESSY!! LAST TIME I WAS OVER I FOUND STRING CHEESE WRAPPERS UNDER ALL OF YOUR CUSHIONS!
JENN ANiston also probably calls her Mom!!! (Your sister just showed me how to take off the caps lock — that’s why she’s my favorite daughter ;) And I can say that because I’m old.) Do you want me to pick up this Glamour the next time I’m at the Stop & Shop?? I’m also getting you underwear because none of yours are full coverage and that’s not good for fall. That’s how you get colds! I know, I’m a MOM :)
OKAY LOVE YOU CALL ME SOON PLEASEEEE I CAN’T GET THIS OFF AGAIN SO I’M GOING LOVE — MOM XXX