The Kimye Paranormal Erotic Novel You Didn’t Ask For May Be Available In 7 Days
12:40 pm, January 17th | by Colette McIntyre
The most culturally significant text since the Bible is being released in seven days. It has everything you desire: the sexy vampires of Twilight, the sexy sex of 50 Shades of Grey, the sad fantasies of the Internet, and the keeping-up-with power of a Kardashian. Get ready for Blood Lust, the defininitive Kim Kardashian-Kanye West erotic vampire fan fiction novel. It will come, it will be read, and you will be conquered.
According to a press release forwarded to us yesterday, the novel is being released online by uStarNovels.com, a purveyor of personalized erotic and romance novels. (Yup, that’s a real business.) Blood Lust is basically a modern retelling of The Odyssey, bringing us the tale of one man prone to boasts and wearing leather skirts, driven time and again off course, after conquering the hallowed heights of Roc-a-Fella.
The story begins when Kimye discover a secret festival while holidaying on the Greek island of Santorini:
…the night leaves them with more than just love bites. Drawn into an electrifying underworld of sex, magic and blood lust, they must fight against the seductive lure of the local vampires or join their ranks forever. In their quest to remain human, Kim and Kanye discover a passionate new depth to their love that will turn out to be their greatest weapon.
Just like Whitney Houston sang, “the greatest love of all is also your greatest weapon against Greek vampires.” What would you pay for a journey into the “mysterious world of dark, supernatural desire” with this woman and the man who once tweeted “I just threw some kazoo on this bitch” at the helm? A thousand dollars? A million? Undoubtedly. Yet, because the gift of Kimye vampire erotica is priceless, and because assigning a monetary value on this novel would be putting a price on infinite perfection, thereby render human currency meaningless, Blood Lust will be made available on the uStarNovel’s website at no charge.
Now. The book has already been released as your run of the mill erotic vampire novel, but this special edition will supposedly replace the original characters’ names with “Kim,” “Kanye,” and “Kimye” as needed. We don’t want to ruin your day, but since we can’t find any announcement of this book being released on UStarNovels’s website, we suspect that it might be less of an “official release” and more of an “enterprising individual goes on an Adderall and ‘Search + Replace’ bender” kind of thing. But take heart! You can still purchase Blood Lust and personalize it on your own. The possibilities are endless:
In their quest to remain human, Boehner and Biden discover a passionate new depth to their love that will turn out to be their greatest weapon.
In their quest to remain human, LeBron and Dwyane discover a passionate new depth to their love that will turn out to be their greatest weapon.
In their quest to remain human, Niall and Zayn discover a passionate new depth to their love that will turn out to be their greatest weapon.
In their quest to remain human, Michael Bolton and Michael Bolton discover a passionate new depth to their love that will turn out to be their greatest weapon.
I too believe in miracles, Whitney; I too believe.