The Rise and Fall of the iPhone Justin Bieber Stuck Down His Pants
1:59 pm, August 2nd | by Colette McIntyre
During a recent concert in Newark, Justin Bieber noticed that a fan had thrown her iPhone on stage. Instead of returning the phone, Justin picked it up and shoved it down his sagging crotch. What follows is the fictional rise and fall of the world’s most famous crotch-soaked smartphone.
August 5th, 2013
iPhone sits down to interviews with Today, Good Morning America, Good Day L.A., and Yup, Just Another Day, Bloomington. He calls the past few days a “blur” and describes Justin’s crotch as “warm, brighter than you’d imagined” and “smelling slightly of Big League Chew.” He announces that he will focus on his true passion, music, and that he has already begun fielding record deals. “I’ve loved music ever since I was little,” the iPhone tells Matt Lauer. “I grew up singing songs like ‘Marimba’, ‘Blues’, even ‘Old Phone’. It’s just part of who I am.”
September 1st, 2013
iPhone’s first single, “Call Waiting (I’m Not Waiting 4 U 2 Call, Girl)” is released to radio. The song reaches number five on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 during its first week of release. The remix features ASAP Rocky and the sound of a MacBook’s trash can being emptied.
November 26th, 2013
The second single from iPhone’s debut album, iO U (& God) (& Justin Bieber’s Crotch), is released. While “FaceTime (I Got Time 4 Ur Face, Girl)” debuts at number one, controversy erupts over iPhone’s increasingly suggestive lyrics. “‘And just like Wi-Fi / Me and my boys can be on ya at the same time.’ That’s disgusting,” says Diane Mace-Kaplan-Witte, organizer of the “iPhone, ourChildren” press conference. “This isn’t the type of music that America’s youth should be listening to!”
December 14th, 2013
iPhone checks-in at the Bell Telephone Memorial on Foursquare. He sparks an international outcry by writing in the guestbook: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. ‘Lex Graham B was a totally chill bro. So glad I’m not one of his phones though because those looked like tiny black shlongs, LOL. #YOLO.” Despite the public outrage, he never issues an apology.
December 20th, 2013
iPhone’s pet marmoset is detained by the North Korean government for alleged crimes against the state.
January 2nd, 2014
TMZ discovers that iPhone’s Siri search history includes “Is it safe to roll a joint on an iPhone screen”, “F*ck Droid, right Siri?”, “Sheryl Sandberg, topless”, and “What is ‘love’”
February 10th, 2014
Pictures emerge that show pop singer Willow Smith texting on iPhone while she is driving his white-on-white Ferrari. Witnesses insist that the pair has been speeding up and down neighborhood streets, sometimes reaching speeds as high as 100 MPH. iPhone appears on The Tonight Show and dismisses these claims as “rumors.” For the next month iPhone is spotted hanging out with aspiring backup dancer Lil’ Stepz and an unnamed Nextel.
March 4th, 2014
iPhone shows up over two hours late to his schedule Genius Bar appointment. In an interview with Access Hollywood, the scorned Apple Genius calls the incident “not that big of a deal” and claims that “sometimes people just don’t show up at all…it was fine, I just went and got a falafel.”
April 27th, 2014
After months of controversy, drug-use allegations, and walking around city streets sans case, iPhone enters into an undisclosed rehab facility for “exhaustion.” “iPhone is fine, he just needs to recharge,” Buddy Jazz, iPhone’s agent, said in a statement.
September 18th, 2016
After the failure of his 2014 comeback album, Water Damage, iPhone resurfaces on a new TV Land sitcom co-starring Little House on the Prairie‘s Alison Arngrim and Ted Danzen. “I’m just blessed,” he tells Oprah in an exclusive interview. “You know, not everything that went down Justin Bieber’s pants turned out as well as I did.”