The Second-Saddest Valentine’s Day Survey You’ll Ever Read
11:45 am, February 13th | by Colette McIntyre
Imagine this: you’re a man out to buy a Valentine’s Day gift for the special lady in your life. You brought along your friend The Daily Mail to help you select the perfect present but things went a little awry — the Mail kept telling you that all your girlfriend really wanted was a hug or a romantic gesture, poking your chest with unreasonable force as he said it. You ditched him after he started crying in Jared the Galleria about how lonely he was, and now you are really up the Valentine’s Day creek without a chocolate-covered paddle.
“What does my girlfriend want???” You sigh, covering your face with your hands.
“I know what she wants.” A woman who looks like a cross between Rachel Zoe and a pygmy marmoset sidles up to you. She smells like your grandmother’s futon and you wish she wouldn’t stand so close. “She wants what all — or, well, 13 percent of women want — a proposal. Propose to her.”
The strange woman’s eyes are flashing. She places a withered hand on your face. “She’s not getting any younger, you know. What are you waiting for, her eggs to shrivel like Phillip Lim leather trousers?!” The woman begins to laugh and cry simultaneously. Now you’re scared.
While this may sound like a piece out of Valentine’s Day Night Terrors: Short Stories for Lovers, part of it is true: according to the bold, scientific minds at Groupon, over one in ten women desire a Valentine’s Day proposal. After learning yesterday that 87 percent of women would most like a hug or romantic gesture on February 14th, finally we have the other piece of the puzzle: the rest of us just want our men to drop to one knee, pop the big question, and make honest women out of us.
And even if you don’t necessarily want to be proposed to, well, Groupon seems to think that you should. The survey is intent on reminding ladies that they’re not getting any younger. “[Women] also found that the longer the relationship has lasted, the less romantic it becomes,” the survey nags. “This may be why woman feel that the right time for their man to propose is two years into the relationship, before the romance fizzles out [Emphasis mine].”
Your romance is going to fizzle and you’re going to end up dying alone in some tiny apartment and your ten cats are going to gnaw your face off before your body is found a week later! This “study” is like the physical manifestation of your biological clock, side-eyeing your bare ring finger under the guise of statistics and percentages. This isn’t science, Groupon; if this is science, someone give my mother a doctorate and a white lab coat. Her Thanksgiving dissertation, “What Are You Doing, You’re Such A Nice Girl, Colette: Provoking Anxiety in a Single 20-Something”, will redefine the field.