The Thoughts Running Through Rocco Ritchie’s Head as He Dances for His Mother, Madonna
3:05 pm, August 9th | by Colette McIntyre
Rocco Ritchie gave his mother, Madonna, a dance for her birthday. She later posted the impromptu performance on Instagram. These are the thoughts that we imagine were running through twelve-year-old Rocco’s head:
Here you go, Rocco — now is your moment. Now is your time to show Mom and the world what you’re really made of, what you have been hiding in your bedroom and in your muffled replies during dinners at Minetta Tavern with Mom on Skype. You gotta seize this! Just do what all those hip hop dance tutorials on YouTube taught you! Yeah, yeah — that’s it. You’re a slippery urban python; you’re a cool Miami breeze fluttering through Usher’s Balenciaga jacket; you’re the bass before it drops, while it’s dropping, and after the song is over. You’re building a hip hop house inside of this song where you are going to have brunches with A$AP Rocky,vand Beyonce is going to be all “I’m sorry, Jay Z, but I fell in love with Rocco and I’m going to live with him in his Spanish-style paradise,” but you’ll tell her, “Nah, babe. Stay with Jay. Just sleep next to me every once and awhile and scratch my back.” Yes! You just nailed that chest pop! Oh man, wait until all the kids at school see this, especially all those losers who call you Cocko even though you asked them to stop. “Euugh, hey Cocko why don’t you go wear one of your mom’s old cone bras? You have the build for it!” HA! Why don’t YOU go…put on a bra…because you need the SUPPORT! FOR YOUR BACK! WHICH IS…WEAK…? Don’t get distracted Rocco — just keep it cool, keep it liquid. Cocko..that’s not even funny! Maybe Dad’ll see this. Maybe he’ll finally get why you spend so much time watching Chris Brown videos and he’ll finally stop trying to make you ride his motorcycle and stop shoving it in your face that the housekeeper’s son loves riding motorcycles. Can the housekeeper’s son move his arms LIKE THIS?! Ride those waves, Rocco. Swag, swag, swaggity swag. Now for the ending…what are you going to do for the ending?! Okay, man; don’t freak out. Just end — just end it with a clap, clap. Real simple: two quick handclaps — clap, clap! And, like, a stomp? Ah, man, no..that’s THE WORST. How about a split? Damn it, you can’t do a split, Rocco, don’t be an idiot! Oh no, the video is almost over. What are you going to d— what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing with your hands? Oh god, why did Mom have to film this?! Quick, just — yes, move the beat up to your mouth! BOOM! SEALED IT WITH A KISS! WHO’S THE COCKO NOW, GUYS?!