We’re Worried About You: Guy Who Bathed in Pepsi
2:32 pm, August 12th | by Colette McIntyre
Our concern has been spread pretty thin as of late. We’ve spent many a late night lying awake, listening to the audio from old All That episodes, lighting candles for Amanda Bynes and her psychiatric hold. We’ve practically worn a hole through our office floor from all the pacing we’ve done since seeing those pictures of Justin Bieber’s butt. Through all our Hail Marys, stress breakouts, bit cuticles, and consultations with our local yentas, we have managed to reserve a well of worry for just the right occasion, for just the right knucklehead next door. And it’s a good thing we did because Nate Nielsen, average-looking bro-dude and Pepsi bather, we’re worried about you.
We’re not sure what made you decide to bathe in 312 cans of Pepsi Max — a comically large check from PepsiCo? Compelling advice from Yahoo! Answers? A carbonation fetish? — but we’re worried about the consequences. Hey, we get it: the sensation of soda fizzing on your naked flesh while you sat in a bathtub festooned with Pepsi Max cans like an underaged Dionysus was probably pretty awesome. We won’t deny that. But we don’t even want to imagine how sticky you were after sitting in all that low-calorie drink.
Speaking of phrases that shouldn’t be used to refer to any liquid you willingly put in your facehole because if you really are concerned about the calories you are drinking then you should probably be drinking the OG zero-calorie beverage, WATER — why did you have to bathe in Pepsi Max, an ungodly creation whose main ingredients are acesulfame potassium, aspartame, and the grated dust of TV’s Aggro Crag? ONLY ONE OF THOSE THINGS WAS A LIE. After your little P.Max dip, the question isn’t whether you are going to get cancer but when and just how much. Either that or you’re going to be living in your very own episode of Alex Mack very soon. While that may sound awesome, remember that The Secret World of Alex Mack was cancelled. Even the Lisa-Frank-and-Ecstasy-addled minds of the ’90s thought that life was the pits. Do yourself a favor: take a shower and then immediately call the FDA. At least so we can stop worrying about you.