Drop Everything And Get In Front Of A TV Showing ABC Family’s ’25 Days Of Christmas’
12:30 pm, December 7th | by
ABC Family is a cable network that knows what its viewers want: beautiful teenagers making bad decisions, endless airings of Sweet Home Alabama, and hours upon hours of Boy Meets World reruns. Whether its black magic or some sort of brain hacking software, the powers that be at ABC Family excel at creating content for the teenagers inside all of us (perhaps they are teenagers themselves)? But if there’s a crown jewel in the
ABCF oeuvre it’s the perfectly curated lineup of original films and old classics that is “ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas.” Thanks to the network, you can tune in to see old standbys like Home Alone and Elf, but those boring, well-made feature films are not what make “25 Days Of Christmas” special — it’s all about the original content. It’s happening right now, and we’ve already wasted 7 days, but it’s fine. Here’s a rundown of the must-sees.
1. 12 Dates Of Christmas
IS Kate, a gal who is super hung up on her ex. Grown up Zack Morris IS Miles, a guy who has a blind date with Kate on Christmas Eve, because that's usually a night when people's schedules are open. Kate is a big jerk to Miles, but luckily for her, she gets a do-over. Cue 12 days of Kate meeting Miles/trying to win her horrible ex-boyfriend back/being a jerk to Miles/warming to Miles/re-prioritizing her life/maybe starting to really like Miles/self-actualizing/maybe finding a HUSBAND. It's a Christmas miracle!
2. Christmas Caper
Shannon Doherty plays a professional thief. Hahahahahahahahaha. Oh, you need more reasons to watch? A jewelry heist goes bad and she has to flee to her hometown of Comfort, USA and live with/care fore her adorable niece and nephew, all while reconnecting with her high school sweetheart, who is now the town Sherriff. At one point she pantses Santa.
3. Christmas Cupid
Caitlin is a hard-partying movie star who, like so many before her, dies tragically by choking on a martini olive. Thanks to the magic of Christmas, she has the opportunity to be the Jacob Marley to Cristina Milian’s Scrooge. Milian plays Sloane, a publicist who cares way too much about work and who used to count Caitlin as a client. Thankfully, Caitlin takes Sloane on a mystical tour of boyfriends past, present and future to show her that if she doesn’t start being nicer to people, she’s never going to find a husband. This is one of the darker films in the canon.
4. Desperately Seeking Santa
This was filmed under the working title
Hunky Santa, and is about a mall competition to find "a man with the sexiness of Brad Pitt and the spirit of Santa Claus." This might sound like a light premise, but Desperately Seeking Santa is actually a polemic against eminent domain as well as a 90 minute pro-mall propaganda film. There is also a dance competition.
5. Holiday In Handcuffs
Just trust me when I tell you this is a romantic comedy: Melissa Joan Hart is a struggling artist who gets dumped by her boyfriend on her way to her parents’ very isolated cabin in the woods. Not wanting to look like a loser to all the people one usually encounters in a cabin in the middle of the woods, she gets a gun, kidnaps Mario Lopez, and forces him to spend the weekend pretending to be her boyfriend. SPOILER ALERT: By weekend's end, HE'S NO LONGER PRETENDING.
6. The Mistle-Tones
Full disclosure: this is the lone "25 Days Of Christmas" offering that I've never seen. However, I do know that it stars Tori Spelling and Tia Mowry as rivals in two different a capella groups who both want to win a fierce sing-off competition held on Christmas Eve. Put it this way: if I were a betting woman I'd go ALL IN on this movie.
7. Santa Baby
Jenny McCarthy plays Mary, a high powered executive in New York City (great casting), who also happens to be Santa’s
daughter. When Santa gets sick, Mary has to take over the family business. How will the elves respond to her savvy supply chain management techniques? And what about the hot mailman in the North Pole who also happens to be her childhood sweetheart? Will they find love in a jolly place? Will they find boots that provide enough traction to successfully navigate icy roofs?
N.B. There’s also a sequel:
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe, which which costars Dean McDermott and involves a Napoleonic elf trying to stage a coup d’état for control of the North Pole.
Christina Milian is basically the mascot for "25 Days Of Christmas." Angela (played by Milian) loves Christmas more than anyone else in the entire world, but her family couldn't be bothered. So she starts going into the snowglobe on her bedside table when she sleeps, where every day is Christmas! Everyone is super nice and happy, but also kind of robotic and off-putting because they’re snowglobe figurines and not people with human feelings. Undeterred, Angela thinks
she might love one of them because he his favorite thing is Christmas and that is literally the only thing on her husband checklist. God, it’s good. But then she gets stuck in the snowglobe and has to decide what she loves more: plastic figurines or real life? Tough stuff.