What On Earth Is Going On With The Bachelor Pad Finale?

TV

What On Earth Is Going On With The Bachelor Pad Finale?

5:30 pm, September 10th | by Sarah Devlin

For the past several weeks I have been trapped in a prison of my own making. I’m referring, of course, to Bachelor Pad, a summer show that has transfixed me to the point that I have actually begged off of plans with friends in order to watch it live on Monday nights. It’s an awful show full of awful people, but I’ve nonetheless been trapped, a slave to my own burning desire to know how it ends. Now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel — the finale airs tonight on ABC, in which the final two couples make the case for their victory to all the eliminated competitors, who vote on it Survivor style. Moreover, host Chris Harrison has promised that tonight’s episode will be “one of the wildest, craziest, most dramatic and devastatingly stunning shows you have ever seen.” There are only a couple of ways this could go down, and they’re all awesome. Let’s take a look at the major players:

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1.Chris Bukowski

The show's obvious villain. Winner of challenges, three-timer of ladies, hypocrite of epic proportions. Sees no issue with being devastated that fellow competitors lied to him and bragging about his own deviousness in the same breath. Could put up a solid performance tonight.

2.Sarah Newlon

Chris's evil Girl Friday. Marginally better at spelling than the rest of the group. Inexplicably very into Chris. If they win tonight it will be almost solely due to Chris's gamesmanship.

3.Nick Peterson

Basically didn't exist until the penultimate episode. In the immortal words of Chris Harrison, "It is the craziest story that this guy has survived this long. I think he wasn’t interesting enough to vote out." If he wins it will be half because everyone feels bad for his partner Rachel, and half because everyone is in awe of his quiet genius.

4.Rachel Truehart

Spent most of the season making out with Michael Stagliano, then the rest of it crying after he was voted off. If she wins, with partner Nick, it will probably be because people are worried about placating her so that she doesn't murder Michael, as it turns out he maaaaaay not have been as into her as he let on.

Chris Harrison is claiming that things get so insane on the finale that it's worthy of an Emmy. That is hilarious, and may make my summer imprisonment worth it after all. Make me proud, Bachelor Pad crazies!