Woman Swallows Tapeworm to Lose Weight; We Have Other Suggestions
5:09 pm, August 21st | by Colette McIntyre
In a strange turn of events, right after we read about the Iowa woman who shopped online for a tapeworm, purchased a tapeworm, and purposefully swallowed said tapeworm in order to lose weight, we “received” a press release from a company which claims to have sold the parasite in question. The totally, absolutely, utterly fake release is below.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Craig Broheim
FROM THE MAKERS OF THE “CHEAT THE TAPE MEASURE” TAPEWORM COMES A NEW WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCT
Little Helpers, the creators behind the “Cheat The Tape Measure” Tapeworm that has taken one Iowa woman’s digestive track by storm, has announced the newest product in their “Organisms Against Obesity” line. “This new addition is inspired by Mother Nature herself,” said D’waine Lumnescent, CEO of Little Helpers. “I mean, have you ever seen a fat Mother Nature? No. She never goes over a size two, because how big can leaves get? There’s no forest-version of Dress Barn. She has to keep it slim and sexy or else Zeus or whoever wouldn’t invite her over, you know? She’s made up of plants. Plants don’t get fat. They eat sunshine. Sunshine has zero carbs.”
The E.Cool-i Energy Drink is a delicious lemon-zest-flavored, E.coli O157:H7-infused energy beverage that is designed to accelerate and maintain weight loss. Within the drink are live, virulent strains of Escherichia coli O157:H7 which have been grown and nurtured within the Little Helpers Labs. E.Cool-i Energy Drink will allow you to consume as many calories as you want without gaining a single pound! It will be as if the food just runs right through you, because it will!
E.Coli O157:H7 is clinically proven to cause:
- Severe vomiting
- Infectious diarrhea and
- Sepsis, which is a whole-body inflammatory state!
The Gram-negative bacteria in the drink will have you looking pound-negative in a matter of weeks and, thanks to the potent cocktail of caffeine, taurine, glucuronolactone, and meth we add to every bottle, you will be able to fight against the coma that threatens to overtake after a few days of E.Cool-i use. E.Cool-i Energy Drink: “Make Men Melt As Much As Your Gastrointestinal Tract.”
Coming soon from Little Helpers: Lyches! Forget water weight; do you know what your body is just full of? Blood! The average human has about ten pints of blood in their body. Just image how much all that blood weighs! No amount of sit-ups or dieting will decrease the amount of blood in your body; no weight loss product will either — until now! Little Helper’s Lyches make blood-letting easy and fragrant! Our lychee-scented leeches are guaranteed to remove all unwanted blood from your body, leaving you trimmed and drained. Lyches are the perfect solution when you need to lose a couple of pounds, fast — just place seven to ten Lyches on a patch of skin, wait a few hours, and Voilà! That light-headed feeling you’re experiencing is just you accommodating to your new fabulous, bloodless body! Lyches can be worn under any outfit — even a bathing suit! —if you need some extra support. Lyches come in three different sizes: petite, freshwater, and Amazonian.
If you’d like more information on E.Cool-i Energy Drink and Lyches or any other Little Helpers products, please contact Craig Broheim at email@example.com