Your Frenemy on Today’s Headlines
1:10 pm, August 6th | by Colette McIntyre
You know who she is: the girl who told your college boyfriend why kids called you “Pterodac-nips” in high school, the friend who’ll rhapsodize about her job promotion and then smugly ask about your unpaid internship, the one whom you are only friends with because she has a house in the Hamptons/the same size feet as you/connections to great parties/enough information on you for you to fear the alternative. Since The Jane Dough is busy fighting misogyny and learning Taystee’s rap, we asked her to fill you in on today’s headlines. Hope you don’t mind.
“15-ton Ball of Congealed Fat Removed From London Sewer After 10-day Operation”
The Story: Waste contractors removed a 15-ton ball of congealed fat that had formed in drains under a major road in Kingston, The deposit could have led to raw sewage flooding homes, streets, and businesses in the Kingston suburb.
Your Frenemy Says: “Oh, I didn’t know you were in London! It makes sense though — you do look like you just got dragged out of a sewer. I’M KIDDING, I’M KIDDING! What?! Ugh, you can never take a joke. I said I was kidding; you look amazing, seriously. Like, if I were some closeted dude from a conservative family and I needed a beard, I would totally choose you. [Opens the bag of chips you just bought and begins to eat them] What? Oh please, you know I’m doing you a favor by eating these. Wasn’t one of your resolutions to lose 50 pounds this year? Oh, I told you to do that? Well, I mean, I wasn’t wrong…your midriff looks like something a five-year-old created out of Play-Doh and spit. I’m saying that as a friend! You could really benefit from a cleanse; remind me to give you these organic juices I have at home. I was doing the cleanse but then my personal trainer and my doctor both told me that I was too skinny and I had to stop. It was, like, so crazy, you know? Also, my personal trainer is Gwen Stefani’s personal trainer so he knows what he’s talking about.”
“Ke$ha’s Jewelry Line of Genital Pendants is Selling Out”
The Story: Singer Ke$ha has created an accessory line with Charles Albert. The “Grow a Pear Collection” features six designs that utilize a gold penis charm.
Your Frenemy Says:“Genital pendants, huh? That’s so f*cking weird. That’s totally something that dude you were hooking up with would make — the creepy one whom you met when you were supposed to be acting as my wingwoman. Wasn’t he going to grad school for découpage or Lite-Brite or something? Okay, printmaking, yeah; what the f*ck is that? Ugh, I hated that guy; he was so weird. He looked like someone even Buffalo Bill would avoid in a dark alley. It’s good that he stopped texting you. You know, maybe you should get yourself one of these gold penis charms…I mean, it’s the closest you’ll be getting to a penis in a long time. Sorry but you just look tired all the time! Guys don’t like that — that’s what Leo told me when I was partying with him at Avenue last weekend. No, Leo Dicaprio, you loser.”
“Hair Robbery is the New Trend in Venezuela”
The Story: According to local news sources in Maracaibo, Venezuela, a group known as “piranhas” is forcing women to cut their hair at gunpoint and bagging the locks to sell as hair extensions.
Your Frenemy Says: “People are stealing hair?! Oh my god, imagine?! That would be THE WORST. Well, you don’t have to worry; your hair will never get stolen with those split ends. I told you to start using leave-in conditioner! Your mane is pretty tragic right now. You have the hair of my 45-year-old cousin, the one whose trailer exploded after she tried to convert it to a meth lab. Her extensions caught on fire but she refuses to cut them off because they cost her so much money. I’m not saying that your hair looks like it was trapped in a meth lab fire but that’s exactly what I’m saying.”